Prayer Buddy Reveal

I am a little late in posting this because I'm on vacation, but this Advent, January from Women for All Seasons was my prayer buddy.  I prayed the Christmas Novena for her and hope that all her intentions will be granted.  It was nice having someone to pray for, and I enjoyed reading her blog, as I had not known of her blog before.  Merry Christmas to all!

Cycle Review, plus "patience and persistence"

So, I finally got my cycle review (today is CD6).  My progesterone and estrogen were still good, but a little down from previous months.  Progesterone was 52.5 and estrogen was 18.2.  I wonder why these were a little down when I did all the same meds?  Weird.  After having stellar numbers the last few months, I feel like an underachiever with these numbers, even though I know they are still great.   

As for continued treatment, Dr. H wants me to stop the clomid, but continue everything else (biaxin, hcg injections, prog suppositories, vitamins, T3) and see how the p+7 numbers look.  I wonder if there will be some other medication introduced next month.  I feel like I am at a plateau and am eager to just do whatever is next.  

Funnily, I just ran to the store to pick up something, and Dr. H was being interviewed on Rele.vant Ra.dio.  I caught the tail end of it, but the thing that stuck with me was he said that there are two qualities that napro patients must have: patience and persistence.  I have the persistence part down.  I'm like a tenacious bulldog usually.  It's that patience thing that is so hard for me.  The waiting, the wondering, the not knowing what is going to happen.  As my blog name indicates, at some point in my life, I must have prayed for patience, because I am sure being forced to learn it.  My momma always said the worst thing you could pray for was patience.  

Another interesting thing, Dr. H was asked about the rise in infertility, and I have wondered about that for a while.  It seems like there are so many people nowadays who are infertile.  I swear it's something in our water and the foods we eat.  Perhaps the gov.er.nment is sterilizing the population with flouride or something.  Anyway, Dr. H said there were two main factors.  One was scar tissue (which he attributed to promiscuity and stds) and stress.  (I think he was going to name other issues, but he got interrupted by the pesky interviewer.)  Boy, that stress issue just keeps coming up.  How does one not be stressed, though?  The only thing I can think is win the lottery and hang out on the beach all day.  Or start smoking the grass.    

I was also glad to hear Dr. H swat down the interviewer's suggestion that people who adopt have babies.  He said that the pregnancy rate for adopters vs. non-adopters is the same.  So, there, all those people out there who have told me that so and so adopted and then got pregnant.  

I wish I had heard the full interview.  It was very cool to hear my doctor being interviewed on a national radio station.  It gave me new energy to keep on trying and be persistent.  Perhaps one day I will be one of those happy women calling in to the radio to thank him for my napro babies!

More on Elizabeth

Today, CD3, the story of Elizabeth continues to recur.  It was in my meditation for today:

Luke 1:5-25In the days of Herod, King of Judea, there was a priest named Zechariah of the priestly division of Abijah; his wife was from the daughters of Aaron, and her name was Elizabeth. Both were righteous in the eyes of God, observing all the commandments and ordinances of the Lord blamelessly. But they had no child, because Elizabeth was barren and both were advanced in years. Once when he was serving as priest in his division’s turn before God, according to the practice of the priestly service, he was chosen by lot to enter the sanctuary of the Lord to burn incense. Then, when the whole assembly of the people was praying outside at the hour of the incense offering, the angel of the Lord appeared to him, standing at the right of the altar of incense. Zechariah was troubled by what he saw, and fear came upon him. But the angel said to him, “Do not be afraid, Zechariah, because your prayer has been heard. Your wife Elizabeth will bear you a son, and you shall name him John. And you will have joy and gladness, and many will rejoice at his birth, for he will be great in the sight of the Lord. He will drink neither wine nor strong drink. He will be filled with the Holy Spirit even from his mother’s womb, and he will turn many of the children of Israel to the Lord their God. He will go before him in the spirit and power of Elijah to turn the hearts of fathers toward children and the disobedient to the understanding of the righteous, to prepare a people fit for the Lord.” Then Zechariah said to the angel, “How shall I know this? For I am an old man, and my wife is advanced in years.” And the angel said to him in reply, “I am Gabriel, who stand before God. I was sent to speak to you and to announce to you this good news. But now you will be speechless and unable to talk until the day these things take place, because you did not believe my words, which will be fulfilled at their proper time.” Meanwhile the people were waiting for Zechariah and were amazed that he stayed so long in the sanctuary. But when he came out, he was unable to speak to them, and they realized that he had seen a vision in the sanctuary. He was gesturing to them but remained mute. Then, when his days of ministry were completed, he went home. After this time his wife Elizabeth conceived, and she went into seclusion for five months, saying, “So has the Lord done for me at a time when he has seen fit to take away my disgrace before others.”

I cannot find anything anywhere telling me how old Elizabeth was when this happened, but I am going to guess 30's was considered "old age" back then.  Didn't people get married at like 12?  So, I think I can apply this situation to myself and say that nothing is impossible for God and that he can make this "old lady" pregnant.  Lord, I hope so!

Another thing that hit me about this reading is the disbelief of Zechariah, as that is, if I'm honest with myself, how I feel.  It is so hard for me to trust God, to trust that he will fix things.  I know that not being able to trust is part of my root sin, pride.  I have never been able to trust others to get the job done.  I always hated group assignments in school because I would end up doing all the work while the others played around.  I don't trust my husband to pay the bills, so I handle all of the banking.  And, while I pray and pray and pray, I don't know if I really believe God will help me.  I want Him too, I know that much.  But, I think I probably stand in constant "prove it" mode.  I don't know how to fix that either, as it seems to be simply my personality.  I try all the time to let things go and give them to God.  Often at mass, I imagine zipping open my skull and pulling out all my thoughts, desires, worries, wants, etc., and dumping them on the altar.  A religious lobotomy, I guess is what you would call that.  Then, I imagine cutting open my chest and pulling out the desires of my heart and laying those on the altar.  Then, I feel like I could happily go about my life not wanting or stressing about anything, and just letting whatever happened happen.  I have those intentions, but it never works that way.  

I think I should pray to my guardian angel to help me with this.  I was just reading about guardian angels last night and learned that they are always ready to help us, but we never ask.  So, Bernard, get ready, you're going to have quite a task list.  :)

I know it's lurking

Sigh.  I know it's coming.  It's CD16 and the test this morning was negative, and I have been kind of crampy for a few days.  So, I know you're lurking, AF, just get it over with.  Crush my dreams of a joyful announcement on Christmas.  Put me in sweatpants for a few days.  Give me a reason to drink wine.  I guess that's the bright side.  We have two parties to go to this weekend, so now I can freely imbibe without any guilt.  Merry Christmas to me.

No motiviation

Y'all!  I have no motivation to work at all this month.  But, if I don't work, I don't make no money!  I am so distracted by Christmas and all things Christmas.  I want to just flip through my cooking magazines, continually internet shop, plan what I'm going to cook, and keep checking the weather forecast to see if we will get any snow.  I did not work at all yesterday.  I woke up at 4 a.m. panicked that Christmas is coming and I have done nothing other than get an advent wreath and put up our tree.  So, yesterday I spent the whole day putting together the cookie mix in a jar gifts that give to each of my in-laws (one for each family because it is crazy to try to buy presents for every child), walking all over the one mall we have to try to find presents for my mother in law and my mom, and eventually online shopping to find the perfect gifts for them, and a super awesome deal on the stupid i.pad.2 that my husband wants.  Thank goodness for wal.mart!  They have it cheaper than anywhere I've seen, and that is a good thing because I despise this stupid device that costs the same as a freaking laptop.  Ugh.  (sorry for the rant, but I wanted to get that off my chest.)

Now all I want to do is bake, bake, bake.  A couple of weeks ago, I made the peppermint meringues from the cover of bon.appetit, and they were so cute and yummy.  I want to make those again, and some blondie bars I saw in the same magazine, as well as these awesome triple ginger cookies I saw there too. But, that one calls for crystallized ginger, and I saw a tiny jar of that in the spice aisle for $8!  That's crazy!  I did see large bags of it on am.azon for around the same price, so I need to just order it.  I am kicking myself, though, because I just ordered vitamins on am.azon last night, and teecino just a little while ago, and I wish I had remembered the ginger.  I hate having to make so many separate orders.  

I wish I could just scrap the whole month and not work.  Alas, I have no sugar daddy husband.  So, I better pull it together and do some work!

So many emotions

I was in Atlanta this weekend for my company's holiday party (which, by the way, turned out not to be so bad.  I was dreading it, but nobody asked me about babies and I got lots of compliments on how good I look.  I guess that's the up-side to being barren, on thyroid medication, and being forbidden from eating most of the yummy things in this world).  While I was in town, I got to meet up with my best friend in the whole world.  I love her so much, and we are so similar that it is scary.  Similar life histories, similar personalities, similar minds.  She also happens to be my godmother, as she was my sponsor when I converted.  

Well, there has been a trend in the blogging world with our best friends announcing pregnancies.  I had a gut suspicion that it was about time for mine to have another one, too.  And, I got the announcement today while we were having lunch.  I feel so sad that she was sad in telling me.  This should be a joyous time for her, and she was in tears telling me.  I feel guilty that she has to feel anxious and sad about telling me.  It breaks my heart.  I feel like a failure because I cannot give people the relief of me being pregnant.  I hate how others have to live on eggshells because of my cross.  Why does my pain have to hurt others, especially my best friend?  

I feel pathetic knowing that people feel pity for me.  I feel ashamed because I feel like something is wrong with me, like there is some reason why God does not want to let me have children.  Does He think I would be a horrible mother?  Am I being punished?  Shame and embarrassment are two big emotions that I feel most of the time.  We are not in biblical times, but there still is so much shame that comes along with infertility, at least for me.  I feel like if I was more holy, I would have 4 kids by now.  I feel like I must be a horrible wretch and that is why I am not allowed to have children.  I sometimes wonder that God must not be pleased with my marriage, otherwise he would bless it.  Why does he withhold these blessings?  Did He not want us to be married?  

I hate feeling all these things.  When will this cross be lifted?    

Words of encouragement

My reading today for my daily meditation was from Luke when the angel Gabriel announces to Mary that she will conceive.  These words particularly resonated with me, and I am clinging to them:  "And behold, Elizabeth, your relative, has also conceived a son in her old age, and this is the sixth month for her who was called barren; for nothing will be impossible for God."  I just hope that 32 is considered "old age" so that we can get this show started.  I'm ready to receive a miracle!

And, another one bites the dust

Ok, remember how I said my husband's family is super duper fertile?  Well, it has happened again.  Another one of them is pregnant again.  This one is her 7th!  Yes, you heard that right, 7th!  And, her last baby is only at most 5 months old.  You heard that right, too.  Come on!  Really?!  From here on out, I should just assume and operate as if all of them are pregnant at all times.  That way, it won't be news for me and I won't care.  I have lost track of how many are currently pregnant, and it is nearly all of them, so I will just assume everyone.  

I am trying not to be bitter about it, but it is hard!  It is hard when I just want at least one, and she's got 7.  I know I shouldn't compare and all that holy stuff, but this hurts.  I am doing everything I am supposed to do.  Eating the organic, anti-inflammatory foods, which are ridiculously expensive.  Spending around $500 a month on meds and chart reviews, enduring needle prods every month when I am terrified of needles.  And praying, praying, praying.  If I could just not have to take all the meds, that would ease the pain of it a little.  It scares me when I actually start thinking how much all of this is costing.  And it stinks to be on meds constantly.  Can I please, pretty please, just be normal?  Please?  Can the natural and normal consequence of relations happen for me at least once, please?  

And can people stop announcing their pregnancies to me in the meantime?  I know that will never happen.  So, I guess I will go through my day assuming that every woman I encounter is pregnant.  All of them.  Congratulations, women of the world!

I'd rather be . . .

You know those stickers and t-shirts with the "I'd rather be . . " theme?  "I'd rather be fishing."  "I'd rather be hunting."  Etc.  Well, the other day I was having a hard day of work, as usual, and my husband came home and asked how things were going.  I said, "Well, I'd rather be in labor."  And we both started laughing.  But, seriously, most of the time, I would rather be in labor than be working.  I'd rather be getting the IV that I am deathly afraid of, pacing the floor, writhing in pain, and pushing a baby out.  And then having people dote on me for the next several months while I go about being a mommy.  I don't care what it takes, and how painful labor is, I want that baby!  I would even go so far as to say that I'd rather be having a c-section, as long as I'm getting my baby out of the process.  So, it's safe to say at about any point in my day, "I'd rather be in labor."  I should make a t-shirt or a bumper sticker!

Despair or reality?

Where is my hope?  I'm right in the middle of fertile days, and I just don't have hope and don't feel like trying.  I can't help but wonder if this is despair, or if it is reality sinking in?  Is this defeated feeling possibly my soul finally accepting that we will never have a baby?  Or is it sabotage from the evil one?  I just don't know.  All I know is that we have tried and tried.  It has been four years.  I have had surgery after surgery and taken medicine after medicine.  I don't even have the will sometimes to engage in the relations that are necessary to result in a pregnancy.  I wish I could just immaculately conceive, lol.

We have to travel to my company's Christmas party in a couple of weeks.  It is a fancy black tie affair, and I should be excited about the open bar, fancy food, and free room at the Ritz.  But, honestly, I dread it.  I have nothing to talk about.  No kids to brag about.  No pregnant belly to rub.  Nothing going on in my life except trying to have a baby and working.  I certainly don't want to talk about work at a work party.  And, I do not want to spill my guts to all my co-workers about everything I am going through.  But, seriously, what else is there?  It consumes me.  

I heard yesterday of yet another sister in law who is pregnant . . . again . . .  And, she is already three and a half months pregnant and did not know it the whole time.  Come on!  How I would love to just, oops!  discover that I am 3 months along and didn't have to worry about every single moment of that first trimester.  

This month marks the fourth and I assume final month of clomid, as there are no refills left on the bottle.  I did not want to take clomid in the first place because I took 3 cycles of it about two years ago and I read somewhere that clomid increases the risk of ovarian cancer.  If this cycle does not work, I wonder what is next. 

So, despair or reality?  How do I know?  All I can do is continue to do what the doctor says and to pray, right?  I guess the option is always there to just give up, but I can't.  I cannot imagine how depressed I would be if I just gave up.  Actually, yes I can, and I do not want to go there.   

Coffee Alternative

I went on down to the hippie store today and found a coffee alternative, Tee.cci.no, which is caffeine free.  It is made of carob, barley, chicory, dates almonds, hazelnut flavor, dates, and figs.  I am giving it a try this morning.  I use a french press, which if anyone is not familiar, it's a glass beaker that you pour hot water and coffee grounds in, let it steep for four minutes, and then push down the strainer and pour a delicious cup of coffee.  So, I first tried the Tee.cci.no this morning following their directions, and it was watery.  So, I poured that out and tried my standard 2 rounded tablespoons to 8 oz. of water, and this cup is better.  It is not coffee, though.  Hopefully, I will acquire a taste for it.  I struggled with what flavor to get.  They had a regular flavor, but it was a "mild roast."  I like french roasts and espresso roasts, the bold stuff.  This hazelnut flavor is a medium roast, but I'm not crazy about flavorings in my coffee.  If anyone knows of a similar product that tastes like french roast coffee, let me know please!

Great. (said sarcastically)

Y'all!  Now I'm freaking out about not knowing if I have an ovulatory dysfunction.  And stressed out that Dr. H's office is saying the "most information" would come from having an ultrasound series done there in Omaha, but I do not want to shell out more money for a hotel stay for a week or so for a 20 minute appointment every other day, and I don't want to be away from my husband for that long.  Several people commented about possibly having the series done locally and having the dvd sent to Dr. H.  I have e-mailed them to see if they are ok with that.  I mean, can't he give detailed orders on what to look for?  And, what is the treatment for it if I have it?  I would assume the clomid and hcg would take care of it, but who knows.  

I hate feeling stressed like this.  And I think my husband is just about tired of all this stuff.  It's been four years.  I was talking to him last night about what I read on the internet about LUFS and was telling him I was worried about whether I had it.  And he said, "who knows?" in an exasperated tone.  I think he feels like we're just taking shots in the dark.  He was really upset that we were not pregnant this month.  And, I was too.  I think we both assumed that after going through the surgeries in Omaha and taking all these drugs, that things would fall into place and voila, pregnant!  But, no.  

And, while I am on a rant, it really sucks to hear about people who are having their babies wham bam thank you ma'am through IVF.  I know it is immoral and we would never do it, but it just stinks to do things the "right way" and not have it work out, while those who are doing immoral things are "rewarded."  

Sigh.  I also feel stressed about my diet and wondering if I am eating the right things.  There is no definitive source on the anti-inflammatory diet.  I have read things saying that coffee has anti-inflammatory properties, but then Dr. H's office says to stop all caffeine.  Sometimes I just feel like the whole world is off limits and I have to live in a bubble. It sucks seeing my husband enjoy candy and sodas and I'm stuck with my stupid apple and filtered water.  

Oh, and last night I was at Wally World, and got so irritated about the fact that there was a couple in front of me with a pack of condoms in their items they were purchasing.  Really?  Really people?  Here I am trying my hardest, and you people are taking your fertility for granted?  So frustrating!  

Lord, help me get rid of all these feelings and to be hopeful that what we have been doing for the last 5 months will work.  Have mercy on me.  Please grant me peace.   

I won a Liebster award!

Many thanks to Amanda at All in His Perfect Timing, who has bestowed upon me a Liebster award!  Thank you, Amanda!

The Liebster Award spotlights up and coming bloggers with fewer than 200 followers.  In return for the award, the recipient bestows the award on five of their favorite bloggers.  

Here are my winners (sorry about the weird formatting issues.  I copied text from Amanda's blog and can't figure out why there are highlights randomly):

1.  Frustrated Musings of a Seemingly Calm Gal

2.  "Faith makes things possible...not easy."

3.  Joy Beyond the Cross

4.  Hebrews 11:1

5.  Ask and It will Be Given

Upon receipt of the Liebster Blog Award, there are a few very simple rules: 

1. Copy and paste the award on your blog
2. Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you
3. Reveal your top 5 picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.
4. Hope that your followers will spread the love to other bloggers.

Ultrasound series?

Back when I had my first trip to Omaha, we ended up not being able to do the ultrasound series that Dr. H typically does because my cycle fell at the wrong time.  I asked during this cycle review if he thinks it would be a good idea to do that now since we were not able to do it previously.  A fellow did my cycle review because Dr. H was out, and he said yes, it would be a good idea.  I just don't know whether I should or not.  I would have to go to Omaha again and stay for like a week.  I bet my husband would not be able to go with me this time because he has taken so much time off already with my surgeries in May.  I would not want to be away from him during fertile times.  I don't feel like I have an ovulation problem.  And, if there is some kind of ovulation defect, isn't that being taken care of by the clomid, hcg, and progesterone?  

Has anyone else ever been in this situation, where you've already had your surgery and are months into the medication treatment, and you go back for the ultrasound series?  If so, was it helpful?

:(

CD1 strikes again.  Depressed as usual.  P+7 blood work was stellar as usual.  Progesterone: 78.1 estradiol: 25.1.  What a shame to waste such good numbers.  Oh, and I made the mistake of asking Dr. H if the one cup of coffee I have every day really makes a difference, and he said yes, I need to give it up.  Gosh!  IF controls every freaking aspect of my life, and I can't even enjoy a simple cup of coffee.  

Not much else to say.  Please pray that I get out of this funk.  

"In Time" and Yet Another "Cross" of IF: The Wardrobe

My husband and I went to see "In Time" last night.  It was an interesting movie.  The concept is that in the future, people are genetically engineered to only age up to 25, and then a clock built into their bodies starts clicking down, and when it hits zero, you die.  The clock starts with one year, and you have to work to earn more time.  You buy things with your time.  For example, a cup of coffee is 4 minutes, a bus ride is 2 hours.  The "poor" people live in the ghetto time zone and are rushing around every day trying to earn more time so they don't expire.  Then, there are "rich" people who have centuries on their clocks.  

Anyway, as usual, I somehow found a way to tie this to my IF.  I left the movie thinking about how at the end of the cycle, I feel like one of the "poor" people who is trying to add time to their clock.  I beg and plead and pray that AF does not arrive.  As CD1 approaches, I see the "time" clicking off of my clock until  there is no denying that AF has arrived.  I can also see it relating to our "biological clocks" in that as every cycle goes by, that clock keeps ticking down, and I lose another chance that I will never get back.  That's another egg wasted.  And, as every year goes by, that's another year closer to menopause.  Agh! I hate time!

Another "cross" of infertility is my wardrobe.  Like the rest of my life, my wardrobe is on hold because of IF.  I have clothes that are honesty a little too big for me, but I don't throw them out because maybe one day, I'll be pregnant, and I can wear them then.  I want to buy new clothes, but I always have this thought, "What if you get pregnant, and then you won't be able to wear that?"  Or, "If you buy these skinny clothes, don't you lack faith that you'll find out in 2 weeks that you're pregnant?"  It's a never ending mental battle.  A constant state of limbo.  

I ended up going ahead this weekend and picking up some new jeans and sweaters, finally just throwing caution to the wind.  I guess if I do end up pregnant, I can pack them away and then pull them out after the baby and after all the baby weight is worked off.  That way, at least in the mean time, I can enjoy the one benefit of being IF:  looking super cute and flaunting this skinny arse while I have it.      

Baby Name Stealing

I don't know if any of you have had this problem, but it is really irritating me the longer we go on being IF. Twice in this year, we have had someone in our family freaking steal baby names that we were thinking of.  Yes, yes, I know, we don't even have a baby yet, but come on!  We've been planning for 4 years and we've carefully thought these things out.  And, then, bam, someone has # 3 or 4, and willy nilly nabs our carefully thought of name out of the sky.  Ugh!  And yes, we could still use the name, I guess, if we wanted, but everyone in the family will think of the first kid as the "real" one.  I feel like George from Seinfeld when he thought of "Seven" and his friends stole it.  I know how you feel, George!

Thank you, Jesus for butterfly needles!

After last month's horrific blood draw, I took y'alls advice and asked for a butterfly needle.  I also went early this morning so that I would not risk having a tired phlebotomist who was ready to go home.  This draw was soooooo much better than last month's!  Thank you, fellow bloggers for your advice!  Thank you, Jesus!  And thank you St. Gerard, whose relic was in my pocket during the draw!

Prayer Request

My husband and I drove down to Louisiana yesterday because my grandfather has been in the hospital since Sunday and was taken to ICU yesterday morning.  We were able to see him for the 5 o'clock visiting slot yesterday evening very briefly.  We got a call at about 3 a.m. that he passed.  Will you please pray for the repose of his soul?  He is not Catholic, and I know that he struggled with believing his whole life.  But yesterday, he asked to see my husband, and after we left the hospital, my husband said that he prayed an act of contrition with him and that it was a beautiful experience.  That gives me hope for him.  God bless you, Papa.    

Oh, the things little kids say!

Yesterday, I went over to visit my sister in law for a bit.  She has a 4 year old little girl and a 2 year old boy.  They are the cutest things.  A few weeks ago, out of the blue, the 4 year old gave me a mini statue of the Holy Family.  Yesterday, she says out of the blue "You're gonna have a baby!"  I said, "Oh, really?"  She says, "Yep.  And then we'll have two babies."  (my sister in law is currently pregnant with #3).  So, I said, "I sure hope so.  Keep praying for me."  My sister in law and I looked at each other with lifted eyebrows, and she says, "Maybe she knows something."  I sure hope so.  I hope she was visited by an angel or had a prophetic dream.  That is the second person in one week who has told me the same thing (my mother in law the other day said she had a dream).

So, maybe this will be the month.  I have recently added FertileCM because I read about it on somebody else's blog, and mucinex just in case.  And, it seems like I'm right about the same point that I have read of others finally getting their positive pregnancy test, 5-6 months post-op.  Lord, let it be so!  I want me a baby so bad!  I saw an old classmate's fb post yesterday of her brand new baby, and I just wanted to have that baby in my own arms and be the one sitting in a hospital bed with a big smile on my face.  

No ferraris!

So, we heard back from PPVI today.  The SA results were good.  So, there will be no ferraris. :)  I am still waiting to hear back from my question as to how these results compare to his results from 2 years ago.  We're curious because he has taken so many vitamins and herbs that are supposed to help.  They didn't test for morphology or DNA fragmentation, so I still don't know if that has improved.  The last test was dismal in those areas.  But, I guess Dr. H doesn't bother with those matters as long as the count and motility are fine.    

I had also asked whether I had to have a blood draw every month because the blood drawing lady said I was getting scar tissue in my veins.  Dr. H said he has never heard of that, and some patients have twice a month draws.  So, I am going to go back and tell the blood drawing lady that, and ask for a butterfly needle.  I think I will also start going in the morning, rather than the afternoon, so I don't get stuck with a tired nurse who's just ready to go home. 

I also asked Dr. H about Ativan.  Someone else had posted recently that their doctor ordered that.  Well, he says he doesn't think it is a good idea and that there are other ways to deal with stress.  Yeah, I know, but come on.  I have deep-seated, part of my personality stress.  I am just a tense woman.  I think nothing short of sitting on a beach all day drinking margaritas would get rid of all my stress.  Sigh.  I guess I will eat more chocolate to counteract any cortisol that my brain releases.  :)

Maybe this will be the month.  My mother in law told me yesterday that she had a dream a couple of days ago that I was expecting.  I hope her dreams are prophetic!       

Gaw-lee! (southern talk there)

Geese Louise.  I just heard back from PPVI that my p+7 progesterone was 74.2! (estrogen was 12.1).  So, the hormones are clearly making their way into my system.  Now we just need to make a pregnancy happen here people!  I have not gotten a full opinion back from Dr. H for this cycle because he has been too busy (according to his office), but his initial advice was to continue the same meds.  Next cycle, he might move the clomid to days 3-5, instead of days 5-7.  I'm day 6 today.  

Oh, we finally did what we had to do to get the sample over the lab for the SA.  We both just hate that process.  Ugh.  Anyway, I'm glad it's over and we'll see what it says.  I told my husband that if the results are better than last time, that will give us hope.  If there is not one single living swimmer, we'll just give up and go buy ferraris.  

Another Failed Cycle

I am starting to really wonder if I should just quit and give up.  I'm tired.  I want a normal life.  I want to stop having to keep up with temperatures and mucus, making sure to take medications on certain days, and having blood draws.  But, another part of me thinks, "just hang in there."  Technically, we have only been trying for 4 months since my surgery with Dr. H because the first 2 months were recovery time.  Maybe I should give it a full year before I throw in the towel.  I just wish I already had 2 kids by now.  I wish someone had just shown up at our door and handed us 2 babies.  

Sometimes I think about maybe looking into adoption.  But, it all seems so daunting.  First of all, it's ridiculously expensive.  I have heard in costs $20-30k.  Who has that kind of money?!  I sure don't.  Second, I don't want someone all up in my business, judging me, scrutinizing our lives.  Third, I don't want to meet birth mothers.  How awkward.  I don't want anyone knowing who we are, and I don't want to essentially plead for someone to give me their baby.  If someone just left me a baby in a basket on the doorstep, of course I would take him/her in.  I wish a stork would just show up with a baby wrapped in a blanket.  Finally, I've heard/read that it takes forever to find an adoptable baby and get picked.  I don't think I have the wherewithal to go through that.  

So, I don't really know what to do.  I guess trudge forward through blood draws, constant toilet-paper observations, vitamins, medications, and super healthy eating, at least for a full year, and keep looking for that stork to show up.      

Home Sweet Home

Thank the Good Lord, I am home again!  No more constant assaults from cigarette smoke, sleazy billboards, pervs trying to hand you calling cards for hookers as you stroll hand in hand with your husband down the sidewalk, and waaaaaaaay overpriced food.  Ugh.  Vegas wearies the soul.  I never want to go there again.  Been there, done that.  I warn anyone who thinks of going, don't.  

I have never appreciated my home like I do now.  It feels so good to sleep in my own bed, take a shower in our own shower, brew a cup of coffee that doesn't cost an arm and a leg, and pet my dogs who were oh so happy to see us.  I even didn't mind spending $60 last night just on enough groceries for about 3-4 days.  Vegas pricing really puts things in perspective.  Out there, it was like they took the normal price of everything and just multiplied it times 2.  You could not find an entree anywhere for less than $30.  Breakfast for two of us cost $45.  Can you believe that?!  A tall coffee at Starbucks that would cost you about $1.78 pre-tax here costs $3.25 before tax there.  Give me a break!

Anyway, I am glad to be home, and I am somewhat patiently awaiting AF.  I am on p+15.  I kind of messed up my post-peak meds this cycle.  There was a delay in trying to deal with insurance to cover the hcg, and when that didn't work out, I ordered it from Kubat's, so that took some time with shipping.  Instead of starting the hcg on p+3, I started on +4 and did it a day off each time, ending on +10.  And, I messed up and did not order my progesterone ahead of time, so I started that on p+5 (instead of +3) and only took it to +9 because we headed out of town on +10 and I didn't want to deal with trying to keep progesterone suppositories refrigerated while traveling.  I am supposed to take them through +12, but when I do that, I don't get AF until +18.  So, we will see what happens.  I have been having light bleeding since p+13, and some cramping, so I am confident that it is on its way.  Sigh.  Part of me wants to just give up, but then another part of me thinks we have really only been trying since July since my surgery was in May.  So, maybe I should wait until next July.  

We still haven't done the SA that Dr. H wants.  I keep putting it off because it is such a fiasco to deal with and I hate putting my husband through that.  Even with using the special "kit" and doing things Catholic style at home, it still feels like he's being treated like a stud racehorse or something.  Again, why do they even need to have this SA?  I guess it could give us closure if things went from bad two years ago to now awful, and we could just give up.  But, he has been taking vitamins like crazy since then, so things should be improved.  

Alright, enough about all that.  Riley is staring at me, so I guess she needs some petting.  Have a good weekend, everyone!  

No more

I don't want to do peak +7 blood draws anymore.  I just got back from one, and it was horrible.  I was in so much pain that I almost cursed.  The lady said that I am starting to get scar tissue and that they are going to have to start drawing from other areas, like the forearm.  So, on top of the excruciating pain I was in with her supposedly pushing through scar tissue, I had to deal with the mental trauma of thinking of an upper arm blood draw.  I cried all the way home.  My freaking arm still hurts.  Why do we have to have these draws anyway, especially if we haven't had any medication changes?  I am going to ask Dr. H's office if these things are necessary.  I just don't feel like I can do them anymore.  I am still in tears.

Vegas

My husband called me yesterday afternoon and asked me if I want to go to Las Vegas next week.  He found out last minute that he is going to a conference there, and he didn't want to go alone.  So, I'm booked to fly out to Vegas on Sunday.  I'm not sure how I feel about it.  Honestly, it doesn't sound exciting to me.  I don't like to gamble unless it is with someone else's money.  I am pretty sure we will see a lot of things we would rather not see.  And, I am not sure what else you could do in Vegas besides hang out in casinos.  Has anyone ever been and have any ideas for other things we could see and do, besides Hoover Dam?  

Anniversary weekend

We had a great anniversary weekend.  We kicked it off Thursday night with dinner at a new italian restaurant in town.  Yes, I wore the slightly trashy dress, and yes, we got snockered.  We drank so much red wine that neither of us wanted any wine the rest of the weekend.  The food was so yummy, and I allowed myself to go off the anti-inflammatory diet.  It was wonderful.

Friday morning, I got up early to drive my car over to the dealership in Tulsa to have some warranty work done.  My husband came up later that afternoon.  On the way to Tulsa, I was nearly killed.  I still don't know how I was not killed.  The only explanation is that an angel or several angels came in and saved me. I was traveling down the interstate at 70 mph.  It was two lanes.  I was in the left, and there were two trucks in the right.  A dog shows up in the middle of the road, so the two trucks and I slow down to around 30 to let the dog get out of the road.  Some idiot driving a quarry truck full of gravel did not slow down, and somehow plowed right through the middle of me and the trucks.  It was already mid-event before I realized what was going on.  The only thing I can think is that angels swooped down and widened the lanes or something.  I have no other explanation for how that truck did not plow into the back of my car and kill me.  I was so angry at whoever that was.  How could he be so oblivious?

Anyway, I said a quick thank you prayer to Mary, my guardian angel, and anyone else who should have been thanked, and headed on down the road.

I had already gotten a great deal on a hotel room through priceline.  But, the day before we left for Tulsa, Marriott sent me a gold rewards card, which gets you free room upgrades.  So, when we got to the hotel, I flashed the card, and we ended up with a suite, complete with a separate living room and a balcony.  Woot!  Woot!

We had a lot of fun being tourists. We saw a great art museum that used to be a house of some millionaire.  So, not only did you see artwork, but the cool features of the house and the surrounding landscaped gardens.  We wen to the aquarium, which was pretty good, but nothing near the one in Atlanta.  We ate out at some great restaurants.  We went to a bar on Saturday night, and I was flabbergasted by what women/girls were wearing.  Skin tight dresses that barely went past their rear ends.  Nothing was left to the imagination and they looked oh so un-feminine when dancing.  I thought, "Is this how people dress now, or is this just Tulsa?  Do men marry these kinds of women?"  Maybe I'm just old, but I never dressed liked that and none of my friends in college ever did either.

On Sunday, we went to mass at the Cathedral.  It is so nice to be able to go to a cathedral.  Ours in Arkansas is three hours away from us.  So, we really enjoyed the mass.  After mass, we grabbed some Chipotle, one of my favorites, which we do not have where we live.  Then we headed home, and I did laundry for the rest of the day.

All in all, it was a good weekend, and I am geared up for another year.

Oh, in other news, I learned that Kubat's sells the hcg I need for $55, whereas the stinking local pharmacy here charged me $185 last month.  So, from now on, I'm getting it shipped from Kubat's.  I feel like slapping my other pharmacist in the face with a glove filled with rocks.  Turd.

4 years

Whew!  Today is my 4 year wedding anniversary.  Man, it has been a long four years.  I feel tired.  We have been through so much.  So many tears.  But, tonight, I will buck up, put on a slightly trashy dress, high heels, makeup, and perfume; we will get snockered and say good riddance to all that pain, toast to a brand new year, and just re-boot.  It will be a fresh start.  Then, tomorrow we are off to Tulsa, our nearest big city, for the weekend.  Got a great deal on priceline for a very nice hotel, and we're going to live it up!

Several things (updated)

1.  Thankfully, I am feeling much better this week.  Thank you to everyone for your kind comments on my last post.  Things have gotten a lot better.  Husband is again including a prayer for a baby in our bedtime prayers, and the case that I was busting my arse over last week settled.  Whew!  I only wish they would just settle these things in the very beginning, but I guess I wouldn't have a job if that happened.  

2.  Dr. H has said I don't have to take my temps and pulses 5 times a day every day from now on and can just do it one day a week and e-mail them once a month.  That was great news to hear!  I was so tired of living by the clock.  Now, the only time I need to keep up with is to make sure I'm taking the T3 every 12 hours.  I don't see that it is helping me any, though.  I still have low temps, in the 97's, except post-peak when they get in the 98's but never even up to 98.6.  Is it possible to just be "cold natured" and not have a thyroid problem?  

3.  I'm starting to feel like Dr. H is a little too busy and that I'm falling through the cracks.  For the last couple of months, it has been cycle day 6 or so before I hear back from his office (and I fax my chart first thing in the a.m. on CD1).  This cycle, as far as I know, Dr. H has not reviewed my chart, but a fellow has.  That fellow has not addressed what to do with the hcg and progesterone.  So, am I supposed to continue those, and if so, what dose?  Ugh.  I have e-mailed the nurses again today, asking about that. When I e-mailed last week asking what are my medication instructions this cycle, they e-mailed back on CD9 to say they want husband and I to take Biaxin on CD 1-10.  Gosh!  I hate having to keep contacting their office.  I don't want to be annoying, but I need to know what to do.  Time is so important when dealing with infertility.  Each month that goes by, even each day, is crucial.   

4.  I don't understand how to reconcile accepting God's will while doing what I need to do on my part in case it's His will that we have a baby.  My brain just can't process that.  I feel like if I were to truly accept God's will, that would mean stopping everything I am doing and just leaving it all up to chance.  My priest says no, you have to do your part, but that it is in giving it up and accepting his will that He will reward you, or something to that effect.  I don't get it.  How do I know if I'm accepting His will if I am taking my T3, Biaxin, hcg, etc.?  

*** Update re #4.  I decided to do some googling and came across a website (Catholic Treasury) quoting from St. Alphonsus Liguori's book "Uniformity with God's Will", which I think answers the question.  We do what we can medically, but have it in our minds that we are ok with whatever happens.  Here's the quote (it's really long):


It is especially necessary that we be resigned in corporal infirmities. We should willingly embrace them in the manner and for the length of time that God wills. We ought to make use of the ordinary remedies in time of sickness -- such is God's will; but if they are not effective, let us unite ourselves to God's will and this will be better for us than would be our restoration to health. Let us say: "Lord, I wish neither to be well nor to remain sick; I want only what thou wilt."

Certainly, it is more virtuous not to repine in times of painful illness; still and all, when our sufferings are excessive, it is not wrong to let our friends know what we are enduring, and also to ask God to free us from our sufferings. Let it be understood, however, that the sufferings here referred to are actually excessive. It often happens that some, on the occasion of a slight illness, or even a slight indisposition, want the whole world to stand still and sympathize with them in their illnesses.

But where it is a case of real suffering, we have the example of our Lord, who, at the approach of his bitter passion, made known his state of soul to his disciples, saying: "My soul is sorrowful even unto death[2]"and besought his eternal Father to deliver him from it: "Father, if it be possible, let this chalice pass from me[3]."But our Lord likewise taught us what we should do when we have made such a petition, when he added: "Nevertheless, not as I will, but as thou wilt[4]."

How childish the pretense of those who protest they wish for health not to escape suffering, but to serve our Lord better by being able to observe their Rule, to serve the community, go to church, receive Communion, do penance, study, work for souls in the confessional and pulpit! Devout soul, tell me, why do you desire to do these things? To please God? Why then search any further to please God when you are sure God does not wish these prayers, Communions, penances or studies, but he does wish that you suffer patiently this sickness he sends you? Unite then your sufferings to those of our Lord.

"But," you say, "I do not want to be sick for then I am useless, a burden to my Order, to my monastery." But if you are united to and resigned to God's will, you will realize that your superiors are likewise resigned to the dispositions of divine providence, and that they recognize the fact that you are a burden, not through indolence, but by the will of God. Ah, how often these desires and these laments are born, not of the love of God, but of the love of self! How many of them are so many pretexts for fleeing the will of God! Do we want to please God? When we find ourselves confined to our sickbed, let us utter this one prayer: "Thy will be done." Let us repeat it time and time again and it will please God more than all our mortifications and devotions. There is no better way to serve God than cheerfully to embrace his holy will.

St. John of Avila once wrote to a sick priest: "My dear friend, -- Do not weary yourself planning what you would do if you were well, but be content to be sick for as long as God wishes. If you are seeking to carry out God's will, what difference should it make to you whether you are sick or well[5]?'' The saint was perfectly right, for God is glorified not by our works, but by our resignation to, and by our union with, his holy will. In this respect St. Francis de Sales used to say we serve God better by our sufferings than by our actions.

Many times it will happen that proper medical attention or effective remedies will be lacking, or even that the doctor will not rightly diagnose our case. In such instances we must unite ourselves to the divine will which thus disposes of our physical health. The story is told of a client of St. Thomas of Canterbury, who being sick, went to the saint's tomb to obtain a cure. He returned home cured. But then he thought to himself: "Suppose it would be better for my soul's salvation if I remained sick, what point then is there in being well?" In this frame of mind he went back and asked the saint to intercede with God that he grant what would be best for his eternal salvation. His illness returned and he was perfectly content with the turn things had taken, being fully persuaded that God had thus disposed of him for his own good.

There is a similar account by Surio to the effect that a certain blind man obtained the restoration of his sight by praying to St. Bedasto, bishop. Thinking the matter over, he prayed again to his heavenly patron, but this time with the purpose that if the possession of his sight were not expedient for his soul, that his blindness should return. And that is exactly what happened -- he was blind again. Therefore, in sickness it is better that we seek neither sickness nor health, but that we abandon ourselves to the will of God so that he may dispose of us as he wishes. However, if we decide to ask for health, let us do so at least always resigned and with the proviso that our bodily health may be conducive to the health of our soul. Otherwise our prayer will be defective and will remain unheard because our Lord does not answer prayers made without resignation to his holy will.

Sickness is the acid test of spirituality, because it discloses whether our virtue is real or sham. If the soul is not agitated, does not break out in lamentations, is not feverishly restless in seeking a cure, but instead is submissive to the doctors and to superiors, is serene and tranquil, completely resigned to God's will, it is a sign that that soul is well-grounded in virtue.

What of the whiner who complains of lack of attention? That his sufferings are beyond endurance? That the doctor does not know his business? What of the faint-hearted soul who laments that the hand of God is too heavy upon him?

This story by St. Bonaventure in his "Life of St. Francis" is in point: On a certain occasion when the saint was suffering extraordinary physical pain, one of his religious meaning to sympathize with him, said in his simplicity: "My Father, pray God that he treat you a little more gently, for his hand seems heavy upon you just now." Hearing this, St. Francis strongly resented the unhappy remark of his well-meaning brother, saying: "My good brother, did I not know that what you have just said was spoken in all simplicity, without realizing the implication of your words, I should never see you again because of your rashness in passing judgment on the dispositions of divine providence."

Whereupon, weak and wasted as he was by his illness, he got out of bed, knelt down, kissed the floor and prayed thus: "Lord, I thank thee for the sufferings thou art sending me. Send me more, if it be thy good pleasure. My pleasure is that you afflict me and spare me not, for the fulfillment of thy holy will is the greatest consolation of my life."

Despair

Yesterday was awful.  I don't know if it's the clomid, or the stress of my job over the last week, or a combination of both.  This week has been so hard at work.  They are prepping for a trial that starts in October, and they have done a horrible job of planning, so there are tons of things to be done, lots of briefs to be written, and they keep basically putting it all on my plate.  I normally can only handle about 5 hours of work per day and then I get irritable.  Over the last week, I have been working from early in the morning, skipping a shower, eating crappy food as quickly as I can, and working until 7 at night.  Yesterday, I just broke down in a hysterical crying fit, bawling as I typed along, scarfing down chocolate hoping it would combat the cortisol that no doubt was raging through my body.  There was a deadline to get some things filed with the court at 1 yesterday, and I got an e-mail from one of the partners yesterday morning telling me to call him when I finished up with that project so we could discuss the 20+ motions they need to draft and file by next Thursday.  That just put me over the edge.  After I e-mailed them my portion of the project that was due to be filed yesterday, I said to myself F**ck 'em.  I'm not answering my phone, I'm not returning e-mails.  I called him and left a vm saying I was about to head out for a trip for the weekend, I can give you 5 hours monday thru wednesday of next week and then I'll be out for Thursday and Friday for my anniversary, we're going on a trip.

Then I started googling what I could do instead of being a lawyer.  That reminded me that I had saved a link to this legal writing institute web page where they list professor positions that are available. There is one open at Seattle University, which was exciting.  For some reason, even though I've never been there, I've thought for several years I would like living there.  So, I e-mailed my husband and kind of half-seriously asked if he would move, and if so, I would apply for that job.

Then, I went to my consultation with the acupuncturist, which was supposed to just be a consultation, and she was like, "you need acupuncture, like immediately."  So, I had my first acupuncture experience yesterday.  I was super nervous about the needles, I know my heart was racing when she put the first ones in.  There was one right between my eyes, one in my right wrist, one on the top of each foot, one coming out of the top of my head, one on my inside left ankle, one on the inside of my left calf, one on my lower abdomen, and one further up the abdomen like right underneath where the bra line is.  Then she left the room, and I laid there listening to chinese music, wondering what am I doing, is this crazy?  After a while, I guess it started working, because I started to get the giggles.  It was the funniest thing.  There wasn't anything in particular that I was thinking of that made me giggle, but I just felt giggly.  After about half an hour, it was time to take the needles out.  I felt better.  More relaxed.

Then I headed home and waited for my husband to get back from fishing.  It was late by the time he got home and unsuccessfully attempted to fillet a bass.  So, we went to taco bell for bean burritos, and ended up in a fight in taco bell.  I brought up the Seattle thing, and he just flatly rejected the idea without any consideration.  That irritated me.  He knows how much my job stresses me out, and I've talked about moving for a while, teaching legal writing would be fun, and we're young, so why should he just reject the idea?  We deserve to live our lives.  He wants to always stay here because of his family, and I said he should put me in higher priority than his family.  We could visit during holidays.  His job in the family business does not pay him well and it is not stable.  He could do so much more, so why not just take that leap out there?  I felt like it was a total shock to me that we will never be able to move from here, and I felt like I had been duped or something. Maybe it is the clomid, I don't know, but I felt absolute despair.  He felt like I was saying I didn't want to be married to him.  That was not what I was saying.  I explained that I want the hope and opportunity and chance that we can do something else with our careers if we want to, and the hope of adventure.

We came home and continued talking, and he said maybe we could go on vacation to Seattle sometime and see what it is like.  He acknowledged that he has a problem with change and likes things his way, but he likes that I always come up with new ideas.  (I do have a sort of adventurous, brave side to me.  When I was in high school getting ready to apply to colleges, I felt for some reason I wanted to live in Georgia even though I had never been there, so I went to school in Georgia.  My family was a twelve hour drive away in Louisiana.  It didn't bother me.  I liked adventure.  Then, when I met my husband, it was no problem for me to pick up and move here to Arkansas and marry him.)

Somehow, the conversation turned to the infertility and how hard these four years have been, and how sad I get.  He was saying things that sounded like he just wants to give up; that there is no hope; that he doesn't think it will ever happen.  Those were scary things to hear.  He is usually the one keeping the positive attitude while I am freaking out.  In that conversation, I felt like we were just in the pits of despair.   He caused me to doubt, and I don't want to doubt.  I don't feel in my heart of hearts that we will never have a baby.  I just don't feel like that is how it is going to be.  So, satan, get behind me!  St. Gerard, pray for us!  Padre Pio, pray for us!  St. Gianna, pray for us!  Holy Mary, Mother of God, Pray for us!  Blessed Pope John Paul II, pray for us!  Blessed Mother Teresa, pray for us!  St. Joseph, pray for us!    

Chamomile/Lavender tea

Does anybody know if it is safe to drink chamomile & lavender tea when you're trying to conceive?  I see differing opinions on the internet.  I wonder if anyone has asked their NaPro doctor about it?  I sure need the stress relief benefits, but don't want to mess with my fertility if chamomile or lavender could possibly affect anything.  I'm super nervous about it because with my last miscarriage, I had been drinking peppermint tea at least 2 times a day.  It may have had nothing to do with it, but I have read that mint can somehow cause miscarriages.

Cycle Review

So, this past cycle was my first with hcg injections and clomid.  I guess they are working because my peak +6 (7 fell on a Saturday, so I went in on 6) progesterone was 58 and estradiol was 20.4.  Dang!  All those hormones and no pregnancy.  No wonder I went to peak +18 before I got AF.  I don't know what they are going to do this cycle yet because I just got an email with my numbers late Friday and no instructions.  Dr. H was out and one of his fellows had looked at my file.  Today is CD5, so I will go ahead and start the clomid and hopefully get my instructions for this cycle on Monday.  They want my husband to do another semenalysis since it has been over a year since the last one.  Ugh.  I hate that whole gross, embarrassing process.  Even though it's a perforated condom, it's a condom, and that is so weird to have "relations" with your husband using a condom.  Then, the mortifying trip of taking the sample to the lab, delivering that brown paper sack.   I don't even really know why this is necessary anyway.  His last scores were horrible.  What does it matter if they are better?  Is that going to change any treatment recommendations?  If they are still bad, is that going to change anything?  Not likely.  He's taking the proxeed and mucuna pruriens.  If there was something else he could take, I'm sure Dr. H would have recommended it.

In other news, received another pregnancy announcement from a friend today.  Those never get easy.  We had just gotten out of mass and my husband was getting his donuts on at the coffee social.  I check my phone, and blam, there's a text message.  I immediately get all teared up and have to get the keys so I can go to the car and not have the whole church staring at me crying.  Sigh.

To distract myself, I'm eating milk chocolate (a no-no on my anti-inflammatory diet) and watching a documentary about a french pastry competition right now.  I would love to be a french baker.  It would be so fun and yummy and beautiful.  They do some amazing work.  

Emotions

I hate the depressing thoughts and emotions I have when CD1 hits.  I always feel hopeless, pitiful, and angry.  And guilty for feeling those ways.  Looks like another trip to confession for me.  In the meantime, though, one good thing that happened yesterday is that the LivingSocial deal was $10 for $20 worth of alcohol at this new liquor store that opened up.  So, yahoo!  I bought two of those deals.  Now I can get some good wine for once.  :)

Big Fat Negative

So, made it to peak +17, but it was freaking negative.  So frustrating.  So, if I'm not pregnant, bring on the stupid period so I can start this roller coaster all over again.

Fear and jealousy

I am on peak +16 today and afraid that AF is going to hit at any moment.  I was on hcg this cycle on days peak + 3, 5, 7 & 9 and progesterone suppositories peak +3-12.  So, I could be late due to the fact that I had progesterone 4 days ago.  The hcg instructions say to call the office if you hit p+17, so I am crossing my fingers for tomorrow.  At the same time, I am scared of it being another routine month.  I haven't peed on a stick because I don't want a false positive and I don't want to see the negative if it's negative.

I am trying to stay positive and hopeful, but fear and jealousy keep taking over.  We went to the wedding of my husband's niece this weekend.  Technically, she's my niece, too, but not my blood.  Anyway, while I was happy for her and her new life with her new husband, I am also fearful that she is going to have a baby before we do.  I can just feel it in my gut.  It would just be the icing on the cake, so to speak.

Also, today I found out that a co-worker of mine (I work from home, so this is someone from the office in another state) is having yet another baby.  We were on the phone discussing a project, and she said something about "so, yeah, I've been really busy lately because I'll be out after Wednesday, and I told them I will help with whatever I can, but this is our last one,  . . ."  I had no clue what she was talking about, and she says, "I'm having a c-section on Wednesday.  We're having a girl this time, so we're really excited.  I thought you knew."  I'm like, "No, but that's great.  Congratulations."  On the inside, though, I'm thinking, WTF?!  That has put me in a total funk today.  I want to be the one having the baby and getting maternity leave and being able to walk away from work problems for several months with a legitimate, unquestionable excuse.

I hate feeling like this, but I also feel like I can't help the way I feel.  Maybe I should just go get that Starbucks pumpkin spice latte I've been drooling over but passing on since I'm sure the milk is full of growth hormones and antibiotics, and the flavorings are full of corn syrup, artificial everything, and pesticides.  I hate having to overanalyze everything I eat.  I mean, crack heads and alcoholics have babies all the time.  People who eat nothing but fast food have babies all the time.  Maybe I'm doing everything wrong and they've got it right.

The home stretch

Aaaarrrrgggghhhhh!  The last few days of the 2ww are always the worst!  So much anxiety.  So much tension, afraid that AF is going to hit at any moment.  I want a glass of wine so bad, but I would feel awful if it turned out I was pregnant.  If I'm not, though, I want to just get the crying over with and move on to the booze.  That's the only good thing about CD1, accepting that you're not pregnant and being able to relax for a couple of days before it all starts all over again.  

Glorious veggies and other things

The weather here has just been wonderful.  It has been in the mid-forties in the morning, and upper 70's in the afternoon.  It just feels like fall, and I looooooove the fall.  The bad thing is, it makes me not want to work and to just go live my life.  That's all I want to do really, just live my life.  I want to win the lottery so I don't have to work, and I would just spend my days raising my future babies, washing cloth diapers, making homemade baby food, knitting, running to the farmers' market, and doing charity work.  I long for the day that I can turn my home office into a bedroom.  I envision packing up everything that belongs to my law firm and shipping it back to them and never looking back.  The freedom I would feel.  The burden that would be lifted.  Aaaaaah.  Anyway, I digress.

I went over to the farmers' market today, and what a bounty I came home with!  Fresh tomatoes, bok choy, purple hull peas, green beans, eggplants, and sweet potatoes.  Aaaaaa-lle-luuuuuuia! (singing)  I came home and found a recipe for a healthy eggplant parmesan, which I found here:  http://lowfatcooking.about.com/od/vegetablesandvegetarian/r/eggplantparmesa.htm.  I will be serving that alongside some beautiful fresh steamed green beans tossed in olive oil, salt and pepper.  For dessert, fresh watermelon!  Yum-o-la!

In other news, I'm a little over midway through the excruciating two week wait.  Why can't we just immediately get a period if we're not pregnant?  Or, why can't we have some kind of immediate notice that we have conceived, like a timer that pops out of our hip like on a turkey?  I hate wondering and worrying for those two weeks, overanalyzing everything that happens.  And, everything that happens is a pregnancy sign.  Aargh.  Ta-tas always hurt every month during the luteal phase, there is always some kind of spotting during the luteal phase (this time, it was on P+8; sometimes it goes for several days), and I become super hungry and sometimes have very specific cravings (like today, I was craving an old-school style sandwich with mayo and white bread, two no-nos for me).  I normally don't really crave anything other than "just feed me now."  I remember when I was pregnant with the first baby we lost, I had specific food cravings then, too.  Once, out of the blue, I just had to have a gyro, so we drove thirty minutes to a greek restaurant to get gyros.  It is funny to me.  I actually visualize and can "taste" the food I crave.  Maybe my cravings this month are related to the hcg injections, but I sure wish I could believe they were related to an actual pregnancy.  Time will tell.

I feel like I got another sign from God today.  My protestant aunt e-mailed me today out of the blue (I haven't heard from her in a long time), and she said she was praying for us that God's will be done, that we have faith, perseverance, etc., and she cited Matthew 7:7.  So, I looked it up, and it says:  "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you."  The rest of that paragraph, which is in verses 8-11, reads:  "For everyone who asks, receives; and the one who seeks, finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.  Which one of you would hand his son a stone when he asks for a loaf of bread, or a snake when he asks for a fish?  If you then, who are wicked, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good things to those who ask him."  Lord, I am asking; I am seeking; I am knocking.  Please, deliver me from my fears; save me from my doubts.  Thank you for sending me this reminder that you do hear and that you, my heavenly Father, will give much more good things than any earthly father gives his children.  You know how much I need to hear that, and I love you for being so patient with me and for constantly reaching out to me in these little ways.    

I hate you, white pasta

I've been on an anti-inflammatory diet since my surgery in May and will have to be on it for the rest of my life.  But, last night, I decided to "live a little" and have some good old fashioned white-noodled spaghetti.  Never again.  I was miserable all night long, tossing and turning.  My abdomen was so painful and gaseous.  It was the kind of pain where you can't identify what part of your "guts" is hurting you because it just hurts all over.  The only cause I can link it to is the white pasta.  I guess the anti-inflammatory diet is working and now I can tell when I throw a "wrench" in the system.  So, from now on, nothing but whole grains, fresh veggies, beans, and lean grass-fed proteins.  In fact, I'm taking my little arse right over to the farmers' market first thing in the morning.  Lesson learned.

P+7 blood draw

Ouch.  Had my p+7 blood draw today.  What a fiasco.  The first girl who was going to draw it was obviously new.  She stuck me once and then said my vein "rolled."  So, the usual girl came to my rescue and started all over.  Stick #2.  She draws one vial and pulls everything out and then realizes she needed 2 vials.  So, stick #3.  I always dread these appointments, and today was the worst one yet.  So glad it's over.

While I was there, another girl was in having her blood drawn to see if she was pregnant.  She was very anxious about the results and looked so morose.  I wanted to scream out, "I'll take your baby," but I kept my mouth shut, thinking to myself, "we are in here for opposite reasons; I want to be pregnant, and she doesn't."  After leaving the lab, as I was driving down the road, I thought to myself that I should have offered to talk with her.  She seemed so anxious and sad.  I hope she is not considering abortion.  I hate to think that I could have done something to change her mind if that was on her mind.  If she is pregnant, Mary, please watch over that little baby and make sure he/she lives.

The Holy Family

Last night, my husband and I babysat for his brother, who has a four year old girl and a three year old boy. When we got to the house, we chatted with the bro and sis in law before they headed off for their date.  In the middle of our chatting, the little girl came up to me with a sweet little ceramic figurine of the Holy Family and said, "Here, Jesser, this is for you."  I said, "are you sure you want to give that away, it is very pretty."  And she said, "yeah, it's for you."  It was just the sweetest gesture.  I don't know what prompted her to do that.  Her mom was surprised by it, but said I should take it.

So, it caused me to start thinking about it and ponder it in my heart ("Mary treasured all these things, pondering them in her heart.").  Could this little girl have been inspired by the Holy Spirit?  If so, what does this mean?  Is it a sign of hope, a message that one day, we too will have a family?  I like to think that it is.  It brings me comfort to think that.  It reminds me that God does hear me and that he loves me, issues I struggle with so much.  It also fits in with an experience I had in the adoration chapel a couple of months ago.  I was there, pleading with God to just let me know one way or the other so I could work on accepting His answer.  If it is no, then I will be able to move on and stop all of this medical treatment.  What I heard in response was "You're not hearing no."  So, that gave me strength to keep going.  Now, again, I feel that, with this little girl's kind gesture, maybe He is speaking to me again, telling me I am on the right path.

Also, interestingly, we have a Holy Family statue that someone gave us when we got married, and it has been on my husband's dresser for quite a while.  Recently, I moved it to the mantle in the living room, right underneath our painting of Mary and baby Jesus.  I think it's an interesting coincidence that these two things have happened so closely together.  I like to think it means something.

Hcg injections

I started my hcg injections yesterday.  I am supposed to have them on peak +3, 5, 7 & 9.  I thought I was going to be able to give myself the shots, but after I saw how long a 5/8 in. needle is, I had to wait for my husband to get home and give me the shot.  I still panicked when it came time for the shot even though he was doing it, and not me.  Today, the injection site is sore; it feels like a bruise.  Hopefully it won't be like that every time.  

The cost of these injections is outrageous.  I went to the pharmacy to pick the medication up the other day, and the pharmacist said he couldn't get my insurance to run and the medicine was expensive.  I asked how much, and he said $185.  Wha-what?  He said it used to only cost $47, but the price has gone up since people started using hcg to lose weight.  How unfair!  Anyway, I had to have the medication for this cycle, so I paid for it out of pocket and then called BCBS.   Turns out, they consider hcg a "specialty fertility medication" that has to be ordered through their in-house pharmacy, Caremark.  Fine. Whatever.  I am pretty sure, though, that my doctor did not code this as a fertility issue.  I will deal with that if they try to deny me coverage.

I am glad I am on the hcg shots.  Yesterday, which was peak +3, I was feeling cramping, which felt like it was period type cramps.  I don't know what could have been going on, but it seems like it stopped after the hcg shot.

Oh, how I wish my body could just be "normal."  How I wish my body could just do what it was designed to do.  I often think, Lord, you designed this body, you know how it should work, and you can do miracles, can you please just reach down and touch my belly and everything would be fixed?  Why is it that some people have no problem whatsoever getting pregnant and, in fact, are so fertile that they attack their fertility with contraceptives and abortions?  Can I get a little of that fertility over here?

I have got 12 sisters in law; my husband is from a huge family.  Between those women, there are 62 children.  I mean, it is like these people can just look at each other and get pregnant.  A friend of the family joked once that they have babies like machine guns, rat-a-tat-tat-tat.  I often feel like standing up on a box and screaming, "can everyone just stop having babies until we get to have one?"  I know I shouldn't feel like that, but it is like my own personal purgatory or hell, I don't know which.  I know there is not some magical number of how many children God is going to allow to be born and I am missing out on my chance every time someone else has a baby.

Still, there is such a stark contrast between their super-fertility and my infertility.  I just want to be well.  All of my complaining aside, thank God that there are options out there for Catholic women facing these challenges.  Thank God I found a doctor who is willing to get to the root of what is wrong with me, rather than try to skip over the problem and just get me pregnant through IVF.  I know it will take time to solve every problem, and that as we solve one, another might rear its head, but I just wish there was a magic "make be better" button the doctor could push.

Until then, I need to keep my chin up and march on.  Each of these medications that he prescribes does give me hope that maybe this one will be the key.  I have something to cling onto, hoping that this new thing will work, that there is something I can still do to try to improve things, that all is not lost.      

Ouch!

So, somehow I hurt my back this past week.  I don't know what happened.  I just woke up one morning and the whole right side of my back was killing me.  I lived with it for two days and finally decided on Friday to go visit a chiropractor for the first time in my life.  The motivating factor was probably the fact that I've maxxed out my co-insurance and deductible this year with my two surgeries, and I figured I better make the most of my free health care until January 1 comes.  So, off I went.

The first part of the appointment was not that bad.  He asked me a few questions, moved my head around and asked me if that hurt, told me to lift each of my legs one at a time and asked me if that hurt, and then took some x-rays.  Then, it got weird.  He had me come into another room and lay face down on a table.  He placed some kind of electrodes on my back and then left the room for 13 minutes.  I laid there, with my face sunscreen melting into the paper cover over the face hole of the table, while electric pulses aggravated and nagged at my lower back.  It was the weirdest feeling.  He told me that endorphins would be released and that I would start to feel sleepy.  Nope.  I was too busy wondering what this was doing for me?, was anybody in the hall staring and giggling?, is this going to make it worse?

Finally, he comes in and removes those things, and I am taken to another room where he shows me my x-rays.  Apparently, I have a slight curve at the tail bone.  I need to strengthen my abdominal muscles to pull the spine straight up and to stand straighter.  I wonder if this is a new condition developed since my surgery this year because I have gone easy on my abs since then.  I was cut wide open, so of course, it takes time for the muscles to heal.  I have found it feels like I don't have control over the muscles, but that is getting a little better.  The main problem I have now is that I feel like the muscles are somehow shortened.  It feels like I need to be stretched or something.  I tried walking around all day yesterday with a conscious effort to pull the abs up and stand up straight.  By the end of the day, I was exhausted and my "insides" were hurting.  It felt so good last night to put my pj's on and "let it all hang out."  Hello belly.

Anyway, after the x-ray viewing, he took me to another room with another table.  There is one word to describe the experience I had then: manhandling.  Good Lord.  He had me lie in different positions on the table while he yanked, pulled, twisted, pushed.  Being the wimp that I am, I was practically yelling with each yank, pull, twist, and push.  Luckily, there were no other patients in there; I would have scared them all off.  Out of all of those maneuvers, he only got one "pop" out of my back.  I'm a stubborn one.

After that, we were done.  He told me I could use ice packs for 25 minutes every two hours and take some ibuprofen.  He also mentioned that he does acupuncture and has helped four women get pregnant.  The whole time he was talking, I was thinking to myself, "you think I'm going to let you put pins in my body?" and "shouldn't you stick to one thing and do it well?"

I thanked him and left the office, still in the pain that I was in when I went there.  The rest of my day, though, was looooooooooong.  I felt so sleepy all day long and could not wait for the night so I could just go to bed.  I tried taking a nap that afternoon.  Still sleepy.  I tried taking a walk over at the outdoor mall, thinking that a little sunshine might do it.  Still sleepy.  But, I did discover a cute little tea shop that had just opened on Friday.  I tried a cup of organic green tea that I just bought at the cute shop.  Still sleepy.  That night, I was still so sleepy that I went straight to bed, while my poor husband spent his Friday night watching a movie all by his lonesome.

Today, Sunday, I feel much better.  I was still in a little pain yesterday and took ibuprofen.  I don't know if time healed my pain, or anything the chiropractor did, but I'm glad I can walk, bend over, and toss and turn at night without my back screaming at me.  

In other news, Dr. H started my husband and I back on Biaxin.  We were on that right after my surgery, but Dr. H stopped the course when a local doctor here prescribed a different antibiotic when I developed a minor infection in my surgical site.  So, we've been back on Biaxin for 4 or 5 days, and I don't know if it's due to the Biaxin, or the FloraSource probiotic I started taking along with the Biaxin, but I have been a starving, ravenous animal over the last several days.  No matter what I eat, I am constantly hungry.  It has been so annoying that finally last night I gave in, violated my anti-inflammatory diet, and had some greasy yummy pizza.  That helped, but I can't live like that, eating fattening, greasy food all the time.

No, I'm not pregnant, yet.  It is still too early in the cycle to have had a baby implant yet.  I wish I could blame my appetite on pregnancy hormones.  Instead, I'm just a hungry heifer, grazing away. 

Acupuncture?

I hate needles.  I always have.  They get me worked up.  I remember getting an immunization once when I was a kid, and I got so anxious about it that I had a nosebleed right there sitting on the table even before they stuck the needle in my arm.  Blood just poured out, apparently due to the fact that my blood pressure got so high that the blood had to go somewhere.  I had never had a nosebleed before, and I have never had one since.  Still, though, I am afraid of needles.  I once had a phlebotomist meanly laugh at me while I was crying as she drew my blood.  That was only a couple of years ago.  I know, I'm an adult and I should be more rational about this fear, but the fear is just a part of me.  In my mind, the lady that draws your blood is a vampire.

So, why am I even considering acupuncture?  Because I'm stressed out.  I always have been.  It's my personality to be stressed.  I'm working on it; I'm trying to let go and let God.  I guess it's party of my root sin, pride, to be stressed out all the time.  But, I have always been this way, even as a kid.  I can remember being so worried as a kid that the house might burn down one day that I had a bag of clothes packed and hid under my bed and a plan to throw my little rocking chair through the window to break it so that I could take my little bag of clothes and climb out of the window to escape the fire.  I can remember that every time my mom would pull up to a store and run in, leaving my sisters and me in the car, I would hide in the floor board, afraid that someone might kidnap me.  I would be there, crouching in the floorboard, crying and begging my sisters to hide too.

My anxiety and fear spurred me on to go through college and law school, always fearful that if I did not make a career for myself, I might end up living in a ditch.  This anxiety has now apparently caused me to develop Thyroid System Dysfunction.  Great.  I need to do something about this stress, but what?  I truly feel like unless I win the lottery and go live on a tropical island, I am going to be stressed.  I am working on giving it all over to God.  I pray constantly every day for God to take all these worries away, and for the ability to trust that all will be fine.  I'm working on living Padre Pio's phrase, "Pray and don't worry." I've read and re-read "Abandonment to Divine Providence."  Obviously, I'm a work in progress, and I am trying to "let it be."

In the meantime, I wonder if acupuncture might help?  It seems hokie, and I'm usually against anything "new age," but I have heard of a lot of people trying it when they are going through infertility treatments.  I have heard over and over again that stress is "bad" for your fertility.  I want to get rid of the stress.  Trust me, it is not fun being anxious all of the time.  So, I wonder, could one of the things I'm most afraid of, the scary sharp needle, be the thing that helps me abandon my stress, anxiety, and fears?

Visualization

Ok, this is my first venture into the blogging world.  Later, I will sit down and post our 4 year infertility journey.  For now, I want to talk about something kind of silly.  We watched this, what I would call, motivational talk, last night about visualizing what you want and imagining that you already have it and "the universe" will bring it to you.  We were laughing our butts off the whole time, but we thought, "what they hey?  why not?"  So, we wrote down that we want to have a baby, and we have been jokingly pretending that we do have a baby.  I even found a picture of a cute newborn on the internet and made that my screensaver.  I know it sounds silly, but it couldn't hurt to replace my negative anxious feelings with happy, grateful, peaceful feelings.