Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Despair or reality?

Where is my hope?  I'm right in the middle of fertile days, and I just don't have hope and don't feel like trying.  I can't help but wonder if this is despair, or if it is reality sinking in?  Is this defeated feeling possibly my soul finally accepting that we will never have a baby?  Or is it sabotage from the evil one?  I just don't know.  All I know is that we have tried and tried.  It has been four years.  I have had surgery after surgery and taken medicine after medicine.  I don't even have the will sometimes to engage in the relations that are necessary to result in a pregnancy.  I wish I could just immaculately conceive, lol.

We have to travel to my company's Christmas party in a couple of weeks.  It is a fancy black tie affair, and I should be excited about the open bar, fancy food, and free room at the Ritz.  But, honestly, I dread it.  I have nothing to talk about.  No kids to brag about.  No pregnant belly to rub.  Nothing going on in my life except trying to have a baby and working.  I certainly don't want to talk about work at a work party.  And, I do not want to spill my guts to all my co-workers about everything I am going through.  But, seriously, what else is there?  It consumes me.  

I heard yesterday of yet another sister in law who is pregnant . . . again . . .  And, she is already three and a half months pregnant and did not know it the whole time.  Come on!  How I would love to just, oops!  discover that I am 3 months along and didn't have to worry about every single moment of that first trimester.  

This month marks the fourth and I assume final month of clomid, as there are no refills left on the bottle.  I did not want to take clomid in the first place because I took 3 cycles of it about two years ago and I read somewhere that clomid increases the risk of ovarian cancer.  If this cycle does not work, I wonder what is next. 

So, despair or reality?  How do I know?  All I can do is continue to do what the doctor says and to pray, right?  I guess the option is always there to just give up, but I can't.  I cannot imagine how depressed I would be if I just gave up.  Actually, yes I can, and I do not want to go there.   


  1. Oh! So sorry. Yes, continue doing what your doctor says and continue praying. It may be when you come to the end, are ready to give up, and think there is nothing more you can do when God says, "surprise!" You never know what His plan is with all of this suffering. I will pray for peace, wisdom, and pregnancy!

  2. I am so sorry my friend. I have felt the same during my Fertile Days. Relations can be so tiring when in the back of your mind you are wondering if you are ever going to have a baby. And yes, we infertiles would love Surprise Pregnancies. Each time I go in for an U/S, I hope that the dr. will tell me that I am pregnant and there's a baby in my belly ;)

    Please do not give up hope. It's only been a few cycles after the surgery. Trust in the Lord with all your heart. I am praying for you that God fills you with hope and peace.

  3. :( So sorry for your sadness. This sounds like what I have felt so many times. I think it is despair, not reality. It is so, so hard to try month after month, year after year, and it wears on you...I know I had months where hoping was just too hard.

    The last part really resonated with me...so many times I wanted to give up. But I realized that while I could give up TTC, I couldn't give up the part that I really wanted to give up, which was the hurt of infertility. That part was always there, whether I was TTC or not.

    Keep praying, and keep following God's plan. In the end, that's the only thing that will lead us to peace. You are in my prayers!!

  4. I am so sorry you are feeling such conflicting emotions. I understand completely. Sometimes taking medicine and STILL getting that BFN is more heartbreaking than going unmedicated. At least you can blame it on "not being on medicine." You have my prayers and my understanding. Continue to try and continue to pray. I pray that you have some peace soon.

  5. I have been where you are so many times, if that is any consolation. Perhaps you're in need of a TTC break? I know that the breaks that we had to take (because of prep for surgery, or post-op, like now!) have been so good for my infertile soul.

    Continued prayers for you!

  6. I think it is the feelings you describe here that are the worst part of this IF roller coaster. It's like sadness around CD1 is OK, expected even, but I always wonder to myself 'what is wrong with me?' as my fertile time approaches and is and I am more filled with fear and sorrow than hope.

    I also totally know what you mean about having nothing 'new' to share. I'm absolutely dreading Christmas - I mean, I have nothing to talk about other than work and my inability to conceive. I keep telling The Man that I'm going to find us a cheap cruise and we're going to go away where no one knows us and skip Christmas all together. I think he thinks I'm kidding...

    Prayers for peace during these days for you.

  7. I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. Don't give up- right when you are sure it's not going to work out is exactly when God can work a miracle. Sending lots of prayers for you.

  8. Yes, sometimes the relation part can be SO draining and far too much work. I feel the same way a lot but end up trying b/c I know I'll be sad if I decided not to and missed an opportunity...how romantic, right?

    I think the holidays are rough, especially when others have their announcements. I just found out via Facebook tonight that my brother in law got his girlfriend of 2 months pregnant...he's not even sure he likes her. It's killing me. So, you're not alone, I'm right there with you dreading the holidays.

  9. This is a powerful post. I can tell you that I've felt / am feeling all of the feelings you write about. I don't want to go to my husband's family Christmas, b/c his brother & wife are expecting the first grandbaby and there will be lots of baby talk/gifts/onsies/etc. It hurts.
    Like you, I never know what to talk about. Work is my life ... along with medicating myself and roping my hubby into "relations" on the fertile days (although he doesn't mind).
    I'm at the point of despair too. We had the talk this morning about how far to ride this thing out ... how long to continue the medications, the TTC ... everything ... before taking a break for good. I don't know what we'll do. I guess I'm trying to have hope for myself. I'll be definitely praying for you - for your hope to return ... and ultimately for a pregnancy! (((HUGS)))

  10. My goodness! I'm so sorry for you! I'm happy your sister in law is pregnant but sometimes it just feels like they're rubbing it in. I can't even imagine the pain you must feel after all you've been through. I'll be praying for you.