Where is my hope? I'm right in the middle of fertile days, and I just don't have hope and don't feel like trying. I can't help but wonder if this is despair, or if it is reality sinking in? Is this defeated feeling possibly my soul finally accepting that we will never have a baby? Or is it sabotage from the evil one? I just don't know. All I know is that we have tried and tried. It has been four years. I have had surgery after surgery and taken medicine after medicine. I don't even have the will sometimes to engage in the relations that are necessary to result in a pregnancy. I wish I could just immaculately conceive, lol.
We have to travel to my company's Christmas party in a couple of weeks. It is a fancy black tie affair, and I should be excited about the open bar, fancy food, and free room at the Ritz. But, honestly, I dread it. I have nothing to talk about. No kids to brag about. No pregnant belly to rub. Nothing going on in my life except trying to have a baby and working. I certainly don't want to talk about work at a work party. And, I do not want to spill my guts to all my co-workers about everything I am going through. But, seriously, what else is there? It consumes me.
I heard yesterday of yet another sister in law who is pregnant . . . again . . . And, she is already three and a half months pregnant and did not know it the whole time. Come on! How I would love to just, oops! discover that I am 3 months along and didn't have to worry about every single moment of that first trimester.
This month marks the fourth and I assume final month of clomid, as there are no refills left on the bottle. I did not want to take clomid in the first place because I took 3 cycles of it about two years ago and I read somewhere that clomid increases the risk of ovarian cancer. If this cycle does not work, I wonder what is next.
So, despair or reality? How do I know? All I can do is continue to do what the doctor says and to pray, right? I guess the option is always there to just give up, but I can't. I cannot imagine how depressed I would be if I just gave up. Actually, yes I can, and I do not want to go there.