My husband and I went to see "In Time" last night. It was an interesting movie. The concept is that in the future, people are genetically engineered to only age up to 25, and then a clock built into their bodies starts clicking down, and when it hits zero, you die. The clock starts with one year, and you have to work to earn more time. You buy things with your time. For example, a cup of coffee is 4 minutes, a bus ride is 2 hours. The "poor" people live in the ghetto time zone and are rushing around every day trying to earn more time so they don't expire. Then, there are "rich" people who have centuries on their clocks.
Anyway, as usual, I somehow found a way to tie this to my IF. I left the movie thinking about how at the end of the cycle, I feel like one of the "poor" people who is trying to add time to their clock. I beg and plead and pray that AF does not arrive. As CD1 approaches, I see the "time" clicking off of my clock until there is no denying that AF has arrived. I can also see it relating to our "biological clocks" in that as every cycle goes by, that clock keeps ticking down, and I lose another chance that I will never get back. That's another egg wasted. And, as every year goes by, that's another year closer to menopause. Agh! I hate time!
Another "cross" of infertility is my wardrobe. Like the rest of my life, my wardrobe is on hold because of IF. I have clothes that are honesty a little too big for me, but I don't throw them out because maybe one day, I'll be pregnant, and I can wear them then. I want to buy new clothes, but I always have this thought, "What if you get pregnant, and then you won't be able to wear that?" Or, "If you buy these skinny clothes, don't you lack faith that you'll find out in 2 weeks that you're pregnant?" It's a never ending mental battle. A constant state of limbo.
I ended up going ahead this weekend and picking up some new jeans and sweaters, finally just throwing caution to the wind. I guess if I do end up pregnant, I can pack them away and then pull them out after the baby and after all the baby weight is worked off. That way, at least in the mean time, I can enjoy the one benefit of being IF: looking super cute and flaunting this skinny arse while I have it.