Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Prayer Buddy Reveal

I am a little late in posting this because I'm on vacation, but this Advent, January from Women for All Seasons was my prayer buddy.  I prayed the Christmas Novena for her and hope that all her intentions will be granted.  It was nice having someone to pray for, and I enjoyed reading her blog, as I had not known of her blog before.  Merry Christmas to all!

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Cycle Review, plus "patience and persistence"

So, I finally got my cycle review (today is CD6).  My progesterone and estrogen were still good, but a little down from previous months.  Progesterone was 52.5 and estrogen was 18.2.  I wonder why these were a little down when I did all the same meds?  Weird.  After having stellar numbers the last few months, I feel like an underachiever with these numbers, even though I know they are still great.   

As for continued treatment, Dr. H wants me to stop the clomid, but continue everything else (biaxin, hcg injections, prog suppositories, vitamins, T3) and see how the p+7 numbers look.  I wonder if there will be some other medication introduced next month.  I feel like I am at a plateau and am eager to just do whatever is next.  

Funnily, I just ran to the store to pick up something, and Dr. H was being interviewed on Rele.vant Ra.dio.  I caught the tail end of it, but the thing that stuck with me was he said that there are two qualities that napro patients must have: patience and persistence.  I have the persistence part down.  I'm like a tenacious bulldog usually.  It's that patience thing that is so hard for me.  The waiting, the wondering, the not knowing what is going to happen.  As my blog name indicates, at some point in my life, I must have prayed for patience, because I am sure being forced to learn it.  My momma always said the worst thing you could pray for was patience.  

Another interesting thing, Dr. H was asked about the rise in infertility, and I have wondered about that for a while.  It seems like there are so many people nowadays who are infertile.  I swear it's something in our water and the foods we eat.  Perhaps the is sterilizing the population with flouride or something.  Anyway, Dr. H said there were two main factors.  One was scar tissue (which he attributed to promiscuity and stds) and stress.  (I think he was going to name other issues, but he got interrupted by the pesky interviewer.)  Boy, that stress issue just keeps coming up.  How does one not be stressed, though?  The only thing I can think is win the lottery and hang out on the beach all day.  Or start smoking the grass.    

I was also glad to hear Dr. H swat down the interviewer's suggestion that people who adopt have babies.  He said that the pregnancy rate for adopters vs. non-adopters is the same.  So, there, all those people out there who have told me that so and so adopted and then got pregnant.  

I wish I had heard the full interview.  It was very cool to hear my doctor being interviewed on a national radio station.  It gave me new energy to keep on trying and be persistent.  Perhaps one day I will be one of those happy women calling in to the radio to thank him for my napro babies!

Monday, December 19, 2011

More on Elizabeth

Today, CD3, the story of Elizabeth continues to recur.  It was in my meditation for today:

Luke 1:5-25In the days of Herod, King of Judea, there was a priest named Zechariah of the priestly division of Abijah; his wife was from the daughters of Aaron, and her name was Elizabeth. Both were righteous in the eyes of God, observing all the commandments and ordinances of the Lord blamelessly. But they had no child, because Elizabeth was barren and both were advanced in years. Once when he was serving as priest in his division’s turn before God, according to the practice of the priestly service, he was chosen by lot to enter the sanctuary of the Lord to burn incense. Then, when the whole assembly of the people was praying outside at the hour of the incense offering, the angel of the Lord appeared to him, standing at the right of the altar of incense. Zechariah was troubled by what he saw, and fear came upon him. But the angel said to him, “Do not be afraid, Zechariah, because your prayer has been heard. Your wife Elizabeth will bear you a son, and you shall name him John. And you will have joy and gladness, and many will rejoice at his birth, for he will be great in the sight of the Lord. He will drink neither wine nor strong drink. He will be filled with the Holy Spirit even from his mother’s womb, and he will turn many of the children of Israel to the Lord their God. He will go before him in the spirit and power of Elijah to turn the hearts of fathers toward children and the disobedient to the understanding of the righteous, to prepare a people fit for the Lord.” Then Zechariah said to the angel, “How shall I know this? For I am an old man, and my wife is advanced in years.” And the angel said to him in reply, “I am Gabriel, who stand before God. I was sent to speak to you and to announce to you this good news. But now you will be speechless and unable to talk until the day these things take place, because you did not believe my words, which will be fulfilled at their proper time.” Meanwhile the people were waiting for Zechariah and were amazed that he stayed so long in the sanctuary. But when he came out, he was unable to speak to them, and they realized that he had seen a vision in the sanctuary. He was gesturing to them but remained mute. Then, when his days of ministry were completed, he went home. After this time his wife Elizabeth conceived, and she went into seclusion for five months, saying, “So has the Lord done for me at a time when he has seen fit to take away my disgrace before others.”

I cannot find anything anywhere telling me how old Elizabeth was when this happened, but I am going to guess 30's was considered "old age" back then.  Didn't people get married at like 12?  So, I think I can apply this situation to myself and say that nothing is impossible for God and that he can make this "old lady" pregnant.  Lord, I hope so!

Another thing that hit me about this reading is the disbelief of Zechariah, as that is, if I'm honest with myself, how I feel.  It is so hard for me to trust God, to trust that he will fix things.  I know that not being able to trust is part of my root sin, pride.  I have never been able to trust others to get the job done.  I always hated group assignments in school because I would end up doing all the work while the others played around.  I don't trust my husband to pay the bills, so I handle all of the banking.  And, while I pray and pray and pray, I don't know if I really believe God will help me.  I want Him too, I know that much.  But, I think I probably stand in constant "prove it" mode.  I don't know how to fix that either, as it seems to be simply my personality.  I try all the time to let things go and give them to God.  Often at mass, I imagine zipping open my skull and pulling out all my thoughts, desires, worries, wants, etc., and dumping them on the altar.  A religious lobotomy, I guess is what you would call that.  Then, I imagine cutting open my chest and pulling out the desires of my heart and laying those on the altar.  Then, I feel like I could happily go about my life not wanting or stressing about anything, and just letting whatever happened happen.  I have those intentions, but it never works that way.  

I think I should pray to my guardian angel to help me with this.  I was just reading about guardian angels last night and learned that they are always ready to help us, but we never ask.  So, Bernard, get ready, you're going to have quite a task list.  :)

Friday, December 16, 2011

I know it's lurking

Sigh.  I know it's coming.  It's CD16 and the test this morning was negative, and I have been kind of crampy for a few days.  So, I know you're lurking, AF, just get it over with.  Crush my dreams of a joyful announcement on Christmas.  Put me in sweatpants for a few days.  Give me a reason to drink wine.  I guess that's the bright side.  We have two parties to go to this weekend, so now I can freely imbibe without any guilt.  Merry Christmas to me.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

No motiviation

Y'all!  I have no motivation to work at all this month.  But, if I don't work, I don't make no money!  I am so distracted by Christmas and all things Christmas.  I want to just flip through my cooking magazines, continually internet shop, plan what I'm going to cook, and keep checking the weather forecast to see if we will get any snow.  I did not work at all yesterday.  I woke up at 4 a.m. panicked that Christmas is coming and I have done nothing other than get an advent wreath and put up our tree.  So, yesterday I spent the whole day putting together the cookie mix in a jar gifts that give to each of my in-laws (one for each family because it is crazy to try to buy presents for every child), walking all over the one mall we have to try to find presents for my mother in law and my mom, and eventually online shopping to find the perfect gifts for them, and a super awesome deal on the stupid i.pad.2 that my husband wants.  Thank goodness for wal.mart!  They have it cheaper than anywhere I've seen, and that is a good thing because I despise this stupid device that costs the same as a freaking laptop.  Ugh.  (sorry for the rant, but I wanted to get that off my chest.)

Now all I want to do is bake, bake, bake.  A couple of weeks ago, I made the peppermint meringues from the cover of bon.appetit, and they were so cute and yummy.  I want to make those again, and some blondie bars I saw in the same magazine, as well as these awesome triple ginger cookies I saw there too. But, that one calls for crystallized ginger, and I saw a tiny jar of that in the spice aisle for $8!  That's crazy!  I did see large bags of it on am.azon for around the same price, so I need to just order it.  I am kicking myself, though, because I just ordered vitamins on am.azon last night, and teecino just a little while ago, and I wish I had remembered the ginger.  I hate having to make so many separate orders.  

I wish I could just scrap the whole month and not work.  Alas, I have no sugar daddy husband.  So, I better pull it together and do some work!

Sunday, December 11, 2011

So many emotions

I was in Atlanta this weekend for my company's holiday party (which, by the way, turned out not to be so bad.  I was dreading it, but nobody asked me about babies and I got lots of compliments on how good I look.  I guess that's the up-side to being barren, on thyroid medication, and being forbidden from eating most of the yummy things in this world).  While I was in town, I got to meet up with my best friend in the whole world.  I love her so much, and we are so similar that it is scary.  Similar life histories, similar personalities, similar minds.  She also happens to be my godmother, as she was my sponsor when I converted.  

Well, there has been a trend in the blogging world with our best friends announcing pregnancies.  I had a gut suspicion that it was about time for mine to have another one, too.  And, I got the announcement today while we were having lunch.  I feel so sad that she was sad in telling me.  This should be a joyous time for her, and she was in tears telling me.  I feel guilty that she has to feel anxious and sad about telling me.  It breaks my heart.  I feel like a failure because I cannot give people the relief of me being pregnant.  I hate how others have to live on eggshells because of my cross.  Why does my pain have to hurt others, especially my best friend?  

I feel pathetic knowing that people feel pity for me.  I feel ashamed because I feel like something is wrong with me, like there is some reason why God does not want to let me have children.  Does He think I would be a horrible mother?  Am I being punished?  Shame and embarrassment are two big emotions that I feel most of the time.  We are not in biblical times, but there still is so much shame that comes along with infertility, at least for me.  I feel like if I was more holy, I would have 4 kids by now.  I feel like I must be a horrible wretch and that is why I am not allowed to have children.  I sometimes wonder that God must not be pleased with my marriage, otherwise he would bless it.  Why does he withhold these blessings?  Did He not want us to be married?  

I hate feeling all these things.  When will this cross be lifted?    

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Words of encouragement

My reading today for my daily meditation was from Luke when the angel Gabriel announces to Mary that she will conceive.  These words particularly resonated with me, and I am clinging to them:  "And behold, Elizabeth, your relative, has also conceived a son in her old age, and this is the sixth month for her who was called barren; for nothing will be impossible for God."  I just hope that 32 is considered "old age" so that we can get this show started.  I'm ready to receive a miracle!

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

And, another one bites the dust

Ok, remember how I said my husband's family is super duper fertile?  Well, it has happened again.  Another one of them is pregnant again.  This one is her 7th!  Yes, you heard that right, 7th!  And, her last baby is only at most 5 months old.  You heard that right, too.  Come on!  Really?!  From here on out, I should just assume and operate as if all of them are pregnant at all times.  That way, it won't be news for me and I won't care.  I have lost track of how many are currently pregnant, and it is nearly all of them, so I will just assume everyone.  

I am trying not to be bitter about it, but it is hard!  It is hard when I just want at least one, and she's got 7.  I know I shouldn't compare and all that holy stuff, but this hurts.  I am doing everything I am supposed to do.  Eating the organic, anti-inflammatory foods, which are ridiculously expensive.  Spending around $500 a month on meds and chart reviews, enduring needle prods every month when I am terrified of needles.  And praying, praying, praying.  If I could just not have to take all the meds, that would ease the pain of it a little.  It scares me when I actually start thinking how much all of this is costing.  And it stinks to be on meds constantly.  Can I please, pretty please, just be normal?  Please?  Can the natural and normal consequence of relations happen for me at least once, please?  

And can people stop announcing their pregnancies to me in the meantime?  I know that will never happen.  So, I guess I will go through my day assuming that every woman I encounter is pregnant.  All of them.  Congratulations, women of the world!

Thursday, December 1, 2011

I'd rather be . . .

You know those stickers and t-shirts with the "I'd rather be . . " theme?  "I'd rather be fishing."  "I'd rather be hunting."  Etc.  Well, the other day I was having a hard day of work, as usual, and my husband came home and asked how things were going.  I said, "Well, I'd rather be in labor."  And we both started laughing.  But, seriously, most of the time, I would rather be in labor than be working.  I'd rather be getting the IV that I am deathly afraid of, pacing the floor, writhing in pain, and pushing a baby out.  And then having people dote on me for the next several months while I go about being a mommy.  I don't care what it takes, and how painful labor is, I want that baby!  I would even go so far as to say that I'd rather be having a c-section, as long as I'm getting my baby out of the process.  So, it's safe to say at about any point in my day, "I'd rather be in labor."  I should make a t-shirt or a bumper sticker!