Another Lent is here again. I hate to admit this, and I need to go to confession for it, but on Tuesday night my husband and I went out to dinner, and he was talking about what he is doing for Lent (which by the way, I'm so excited and impressed, he's giving up candy, and the man is freaking addicted to candy). He asked me what I was doing, and inside I felt so begrudging and irritated, and I told him I didn't know and I felt like I give up so much already. I hate to say that, but is what I was feeling. I think I was angry with God or feeling stingy with Him. The next day, I got my act together and realized how sinful I was being, and have decided to do what I have done for the last several years: basically make my home a silent retreat. I am off of the internet for Lent, except for these blogs, National Catholic Register, and the Regnum Christi daily meditations. Also, the TV is not coming on during the day while I am at home. I work from home, so I normally have it on in the morning when I eat breakfast and drink my fake hippie coffee drink. I also usually have it on when I'm eating lunch or doing a work project that doesn't take 100% of my brain. So, for the last 2 days, the house has been silent, and I have been loving it. I can hear the birds outside chirping, and I have more time to think, and if God decides to tell me anything, I'll be able to hear it! :)
The other thing I am doing is reading instead of watching TV or browsing around the internet. My plan is to re-read Abandonment to Divine Providence, which I have read a few times, but I need to learn its lessons and they are not sinking into my thick skull. I will probably also read something of Mother Teresa's since I am so drawn to her. She is inspirational to me and a great example. Last year, I read Come Be My Light. I think I will take a trip to the bookstore and see what else is out there. I also e-mailed my favorite priest to see if any books popped into his head and am waiting to hear back from him.
So far, so good. I do have to confess though that I totally wanted to steal my sister-in-law's newborn and run. He is sooooo freaking cute. Only 4 pounds 14 ounces! He's smaller than a teddy bear! I was so jealous of her, even though she had to have a c-section and I know how painful a laparotomy is. I would gladly go through all of that for one little baby. And, I was so jealous of her yesterday when I was visiting and she and the baby were going to get discharged to go home. I thought how exciting that would be to be going home with a sweet new baby. I even thought, probably naive of me, how fun to wake up all through the night and hold him and nurse him and change his diapers. Oh, how I would relish all of that! I behaved myself, though, and left the hospital without stealing a baby. :)
I'm a few days into a new cycle. Dr. H has prescribed LDN, and I'm waiting on that to come from ku.bat's. I'm also starting Synthroid. So, two new meds for me this cycle. Maybe they will make a difference. I really hope so, because I don't know how much more I can take or how much longer I can go on. On the other hand, I don't feel like I can give up. I honestly don't feel like I will never have a baby. I hope that is not stupid blind hopefulness and that it is actually some insight from God. So, because I feel like I will one day have a baby, I know that I have to do my part to take care of the medical issues. I can't just sit on a stump and expect a miracle. So, for now, I am trudging forward.
Enough of all that. Here's to another good Lent! I hope everyone has a fruitful experience and finds themselves much closer to God at the end of these 40 days. And, oh, how I can't wait for that Easter basket full of chocolates!