Thursday, February 23, 2012

And . . . . we're off!

Another Lent is here again.  I hate to admit this, and I need to go to confession for it, but on Tuesday night my husband and I went out to dinner, and he was talking about what he is doing for Lent (which by the way, I'm so excited and impressed, he's giving up candy, and the man is freaking addicted to candy).  He asked me what I was doing, and inside I felt so begrudging and irritated, and I told him I didn't know and I felt like I give up so much already.  I hate to say that, but is what I was feeling.  I think I was angry with God or feeling stingy with Him.  The next day, I got my act together and realized how sinful I was being, and have decided to do what I have done for the last several years: basically make my home a silent retreat.  I am off of the internet for Lent, except for these blogs, National Catholic Register, and the Regnum Christi daily meditations.  Also, the TV is not coming on during the day while I am at home.  I work from home, so I normally have it on in the morning when I eat breakfast and drink my fake hippie coffee drink.  I also usually have it on when I'm eating lunch or doing a work project that doesn't take 100% of my brain.  So, for the last 2 days, the house has been silent, and I have been loving it.  I can hear the birds outside chirping, and I have more time to think, and if God decides to tell me anything, I'll be able to hear it!  :)

The other thing I am doing is reading instead of watching TV or browsing around the internet.  My plan is to re-read Abandonment to Divine Providence, which I have read a few times, but I need to learn its lessons and they are not sinking into my thick skull.  I will probably also read something of Mother Teresa's since I am so drawn to her.  She is inspirational to me and a great example.  Last year, I read Come Be My Light.  I think I will take a trip to the bookstore and see what else is out there.  I also e-mailed my favorite priest to see if any books popped into his head and am waiting to hear back from him. 

So far, so good.  I do have to confess though that I totally wanted to steal my sister-in-law's newborn and run.  He is sooooo freaking cute.  Only 4 pounds 14 ounces!  He's smaller than a teddy bear!  I was so jealous of her, even though she had to have a c-section and I know how painful a laparotomy is.  I would gladly go through all of that for one little baby.  And, I was so jealous of her yesterday when I was visiting and she and the baby were going to get discharged to go home.  I thought how exciting that would be to be going home with a sweet new baby.  I even thought, probably naive of me, how fun to wake up all through the night and hold him and nurse him and change his diapers.  Oh, how I would relish all of that!  I behaved myself, though, and left the hospital without stealing a baby.  :)

I'm a few days into a new cycle.  Dr. H has prescribed LDN, and I'm waiting on that to come from ku.bat's.  I'm also starting Synthroid.  So, two new meds for me this cycle.  Maybe they will make a difference.  I really hope so, because I don't know how much more I can take or how much longer I can go on.  On the other hand, I don't feel like I can give up.  I honestly don't feel like I will never have a baby.  I hope that is not stupid blind hopefulness and that it is actually some insight from God.  So, because I feel like I will one day have a baby, I know that I have to do my part to take care of the medical issues.  I can't just sit on a stump and expect a miracle.  So, for now, I am trudging forward.  

Enough of all that.  Here's to another good Lent!  I hope everyone has a fruitful experience and finds themselves much closer to God at the end of these 40 days.  And, oh, how I can't wait for that Easter basket full of chocolates!  

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Emotional Day

Today has been bittersweet.  My sister in law that I am the closest to gave birth to her third child this morning.  I am so happy for her and my brother in law, but at the same time, it causes me such sadness.  Last night, when she called to say that she was in early labor and asked if I would pick her mom up at the airport today, of course I said yes, but when I got off the phone I was so sad.  I wished it was us going into labor.  I wish it was us having such excitement.  I can't imagine how wonderful it is.  It must be like going to Disneyland.  

Then, today, of course I cried a few times.  Felt sorry for myself.  Felt pathetic that I had to go pick up her mother and put myself to service for someone so fertile.  That cross was especially heavy today.  I tried as best I could to offer it up for all you fellow IFers.  

I hope I feel better tomorrow, but now I still feel sad.  I just got back from dropping off her mother's luggage at her house.  My cute little innocent niece was crying because her brother hit her, so I picked her up to console her.  Then, she asks me, "Are you having a baby?"  "No," I said.  "Did you just have a baby?", she asked.  "No," I said.  "Why are those sticking out then?, she says.  "What are you talking about?", I asked, thinking she was talking about my scapular and miraculous medal.  "Those," she said, pointing at my boobs.  I about died.  My brother in law was sitting there trying not to laugh.  I just said, "Well, I've always had those, and all grownup ladies have those."  "Oh," she said.

While that was funny, and it did make me laugh, it also magnified the total barrenness of my womb and my complete failure over the last 4 years.  Kids say the darndest things, huh? 

Monday, February 20, 2012

My Pesky Thyroid

Well, it seems that the more I want to be normal, the more whacked out my body gets.  I have been on T3 since last May because apparently I have Thyroid System Dysfunction.  Last week, I had to have blood drawn to check the thyroid numbers again, and now it turns out my T4 is low.  So, I am continuing T3 and am going to start Synthroid.  Good grief.  This is all so strange to me.  I have never known anyone in my family to have a thyroid problem, and now apparently, I am riddled with them.  I am kind of nervous that taking T3 is causing me problems.  I mean, it is hard to believe that I have a problem with an organ that I don't even know what it does and can't see it.  And, I've lived most of my life not knowing I had a problem.  I guess I need to just let it go and continue to trust Dr. H and God.  But, I tell you what, I am tired of "popping pills."  Is anyone else out there taking Synthroid, or has taken it in the past?  Is this going to be something I will have to be on forever, or will the problem correct itself within a few months?

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Quick Updates

I hope everyone is having a great weekend.  We are finally having our first sunny day in a looooong time, and it is finally cold!  It was 12 this morning.  Yeah!  And, snow is expected to roll in late Sunday night.  I am so excited!  I can hardly wait.  Everyone else around here thinks I'm crazy, but I just tell them I've been ripped off all winter long because it has been so mild.  

The menu planning website that I have been using has been awesome.  I love being able to tailor the menu to my health needs and to pick and choose the recipes that go in it.  The shopping list that prints out is so helpful.  The recipes are really good.  There are a few that have come up that I have removed from the plan because they did not seem appetizing, either too foreign-y or just too vegetarian for my liking.  But, all in all, it has been well worth it.  I look forward to Saturday mornings when I generate the new menu plan and then do all my grocery shopping for the week.  I'm so proud of myself seeing all that healthy food in the cart and knowing I am going to use it all.  

I have been treating myself on the weekends and not cooking on Saturday.  We eat out, and I allow myself to have things that I'm not really supposed to have.  Hey, I mean, I only live once, and I may never have a baby, so I don't think three bites of cake are going to make that big of a difference, and it gives me a little joy.  So, take that, anti-inflammatory diet!  Tonight we're going to dinner and a movie, and I think I will get myself the ju.nior mints I have loved since I was a kid.  :)

Zumba classes have been great.  I am going three days a week and walking 30 minutes on a treadmill twice a week.  I did e-mail the gym to see if  they would have a real yoga class at a decent hour, and they replied that they would see if anyone was interested in teaching one.  I hope so.  It would be nice to have a relaxing yoga class a couple of times a week.  

We are avoiding TTC for a few weeks based on the advice of the GI doctor.  It is so weird to be trying to do the opposite of what I have been doing for 4 years!  We have not been very good at avoiding, though.  There will be I's where I know I should not have them, but oh well!  Maybe this could be the miracle month.  I doubt it, though.  This cycle and last, I have had light spotting for a few days after peak.  I need to ask Dr. H what he thinks is going on.  I am so ready to have this dysfunctional body cured.  Here's an idea that just came to me: you can get an MRI and it will tell you all kinds of things that might be wrong with you.  I wish there was such a machine for IF.  You go in, get scanned, and ta-dah!  A nice little report comes out with all the right answers.  If only!  I guess you can tell that I am weary of all the trial and error with the medications, and the monthly blood draws, and the charting.  I know it is all for a good purpose, and that it does work, but man am I tired.  

I was at the church earlier today waiting in line for confession, and the baptismal candle was just sitting there right in front of me.  I found myself wondering how many babies had been baptized so far this year, how many times the candle had been lit, how many happy families had gathered around that candle.  And I pleaded with God to let this be the year that we would be bringing our own little baby to that font and that it would be our family gathering around that candle.  I could just feel myself holding our baby and smelling his or her sweet head after being marked with that wonderful smelling oil.  Oh, if only it could be this year!  How happy we would be.  That church will have never have seen such a crowd for a baptism!  That will be the biggest party this family has seen in years.  Lord, please let it be so.  Please let this be the year.  

Thursday, February 2, 2012


My bff posted this on my fb page and it made me crack up.  I thought I'd share because it still has me laughing: