I was in Atlanta this weekend for my company's holiday party (which, by the way, turned out not to be so bad. I was dreading it, but nobody asked me about babies and I got lots of compliments on how good I look. I guess that's the up-side to being barren, on thyroid medication, and being forbidden from eating most of the yummy things in this world). While I was in town, I got to meet up with my best friend in the whole world. I love her so much, and we are so similar that it is scary. Similar life histories, similar personalities, similar minds. She also happens to be my godmother, as she was my sponsor when I converted.
Well, there has been a trend in the blogging world with our best friends announcing pregnancies. I had a gut suspicion that it was about time for mine to have another one, too. And, I got the announcement today while we were having lunch. I feel so sad that she was sad in telling me. This should be a joyous time for her, and she was in tears telling me. I feel guilty that she has to feel anxious and sad about telling me. It breaks my heart. I feel like a failure because I cannot give people the relief of me being pregnant. I hate how others have to live on eggshells because of my cross. Why does my pain have to hurt others, especially my best friend?
I feel pathetic knowing that people feel pity for me. I feel ashamed because I feel like something is wrong with me, like there is some reason why God does not want to let me have children. Does He think I would be a horrible mother? Am I being punished? Shame and embarrassment are two big emotions that I feel most of the time. We are not in biblical times, but there still is so much shame that comes along with infertility, at least for me. I feel like if I was more holy, I would have 4 kids by now. I feel like I must be a horrible wretch and that is why I am not allowed to have children. I sometimes wonder that God must not be pleased with my marriage, otherwise he would bless it. Why does he withhold these blessings? Did He not want us to be married?
I hate feeling all these things. When will this cross be lifted?