Sunday, December 11, 2011

So many emotions

I was in Atlanta this weekend for my company's holiday party (which, by the way, turned out not to be so bad.  I was dreading it, but nobody asked me about babies and I got lots of compliments on how good I look.  I guess that's the up-side to being barren, on thyroid medication, and being forbidden from eating most of the yummy things in this world).  While I was in town, I got to meet up with my best friend in the whole world.  I love her so much, and we are so similar that it is scary.  Similar life histories, similar personalities, similar minds.  She also happens to be my godmother, as she was my sponsor when I converted.  

Well, there has been a trend in the blogging world with our best friends announcing pregnancies.  I had a gut suspicion that it was about time for mine to have another one, too.  And, I got the announcement today while we were having lunch.  I feel so sad that she was sad in telling me.  This should be a joyous time for her, and she was in tears telling me.  I feel guilty that she has to feel anxious and sad about telling me.  It breaks my heart.  I feel like a failure because I cannot give people the relief of me being pregnant.  I hate how others have to live on eggshells because of my cross.  Why does my pain have to hurt others, especially my best friend?  

I feel pathetic knowing that people feel pity for me.  I feel ashamed because I feel like something is wrong with me, like there is some reason why God does not want to let me have children.  Does He think I would be a horrible mother?  Am I being punished?  Shame and embarrassment are two big emotions that I feel most of the time.  We are not in biblical times, but there still is so much shame that comes along with infertility, at least for me.  I feel like if I was more holy, I would have 4 kids by now.  I feel like I must be a horrible wretch and that is why I am not allowed to have children.  I sometimes wonder that God must not be pleased with my marriage, otherwise he would bless it.  Why does he withhold these blessings?  Did He not want us to be married?  

I hate feeling all these things.  When will this cross be lifted?    


  1. My best friend cried when she told me that she was expecting her third. She was so afraid to tell me and then my dh offered her a beer and she had to say no (and normally she never turns down a beer!). It was such a loving moment between the two of us. I was so relieved that she didn't wait or try to hide it from me. Your best friend loves you so much, I'm sure that she doesn't feel hurt for you.

    I have no explanations as to why the Lord has given any of us this cross. I get glimpses of what I've had to learn from my cross, and at time it's enough to get me through the day. I hope and pray that your wait isn't too much longer.

    p.s. I totally get what you mean about the "upside" of IF. If we can be big, fat and pg, then we should be able to work it! ;)

  2. My sister and I still have a great relationship but I hate the fact that she doesn't freely talk about her pregnancy because she wants to protect me and my emotions. IF effects so many aspects of our lives and impacts relationships in so many different ways.

    The emotion of embarrassment is all too common with me as well. Interestingly, I don't hear that one mentioned a lot as it relates to IF. I am embarrassed that my husband is not a father yet and it is my fault. I am embarrassed that my parents have to worry about my emotional well-being, etc, etc.....

    I hope your cross is lifted soon!

  3. The friends/relatives on eggshells ... the embarrassment ... the pity ... these are such deep emotions that we have to deal with DAILY! It is so STRESSFUL! I'm so sorry that your friend announced her pregnancy, as I feel some of the pain and hurt you are feeling. I do not think you are a horrible or unholy person at all. In fact, I think quite the opposite! I wish God would provide blessings more than crosses for those of his faithful. It is a question I would like answered this side of heaven, but I don't think I'll get it. You're being lifted up in prayer tonight. I'm so, so sorry.

  4. I have no idea why God gives certain gifts to some and not others. That one's definitely on my list to ask one day. I don't think you should beat yourself up for not being holy enough etc. You are no more given this IF cross because of lacking merits than a person who gets cancer. Sometimes bad things just happen. I'm right there with you wanting relief for those who support me on this journey.

  5. I don't believe at all you are being punished in any way right now. God is using this time to prepare you for what is coming. I know that is a lame answer (and my infertile self would have rolled my eyes at that years ago while I was waiting!) but I firmly believe it. God isn't finished writing your story. Praying for you and sending hugs your way. I'm so sorry. I wish I could tell you when/where/how your baby would come to you. My heart hurts for you in the waiting now. I remember it all too well.

  6. This is quite the trend of best friends announcing pregnancies. I'm glad that your friend could tell you in person, and that you could connect with her on your trip.

    You are not unworthy of being blessed with a child, and your friend blessed with children is not any more worthy. I have been struggling with that feeling lately in my heart, too, but in my head I know that this is not something God wills on us because we're not holy enough. I'm praying for your spirit to be buoyed right now!

  7. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, feelings, and fears. I love you so much, even all those parts that struggle and that weary. My tears come from many different places, too. Anger is one-- I wanna stomp my feet and throw a fit. This isn't fair. I don't like it. I feel powerless. I don't want you to endure any more medical invasions or emotional barrages. God, this is enough already!
    The tears also come from wanting to be a million miles away from anything that might cause you pain. I appreciate that you can be happy for me, but it's reasonable that it would remind you of the sting of your Cross. I know I feel it.
    Don't be tempted by the thoughts that you or your marriage are deficient in some way. Don't doubt the love and providence God has for you. And when you find that you're too tired to fight them, know that I am here, praying, begging, and sacrificing for you that you will have the desires of your heart. And soon! Until then, stay strong. Your courage and fortitude are even blessings to those who know you.
    I love you.

  8. Such a sweet comment from E - you have a gem of a friend there :).

    All of these feelings...I wish not a single one of us had to feel them, but I am extremely grateful that I am not the *only* one, no matter how much it feels like it sometimes.