Monday, September 12, 2011

Fear and jealousy

I am on peak +16 today and afraid that AF is going to hit at any moment.  I was on hcg this cycle on days peak + 3, 5, 7 & 9 and progesterone suppositories peak +3-12.  So, I could be late due to the fact that I had progesterone 4 days ago.  The hcg instructions say to call the office if you hit p+17, so I am crossing my fingers for tomorrow.  At the same time, I am scared of it being another routine month.  I haven't peed on a stick because I don't want a false positive and I don't want to see the negative if it's negative.

I am trying to stay positive and hopeful, but fear and jealousy keep taking over.  We went to the wedding of my husband's niece this weekend.  Technically, she's my niece, too, but not my blood.  Anyway, while I was happy for her and her new life with her new husband, I am also fearful that she is going to have a baby before we do.  I can just feel it in my gut.  It would just be the icing on the cake, so to speak.

Also, today I found out that a co-worker of mine (I work from home, so this is someone from the office in another state) is having yet another baby.  We were on the phone discussing a project, and she said something about "so, yeah, I've been really busy lately because I'll be out after Wednesday, and I told them I will help with whatever I can, but this is our last one,  . . ."  I had no clue what she was talking about, and she says, "I'm having a c-section on Wednesday.  We're having a girl this time, so we're really excited.  I thought you knew."  I'm like, "No, but that's great.  Congratulations."  On the inside, though, I'm thinking, WTF?!  That has put me in a total funk today.  I want to be the one having the baby and getting maternity leave and being able to walk away from work problems for several months with a legitimate, unquestionable excuse.

I hate feeling like this, but I also feel like I can't help the way I feel.  Maybe I should just go get that Starbucks pumpkin spice latte I've been drooling over but passing on since I'm sure the milk is full of growth hormones and antibiotics, and the flavorings are full of corn syrup, artificial everything, and pesticides.  I hate having to overanalyze everything I eat.  I mean, crack heads and alcoholics have babies all the time.  People who eat nothing but fast food have babies all the time.  Maybe I'm doing everything wrong and they've got it right.


  1. Ugh! I'm so sorry. I'm praying you made it to P+17 today, so you could test!

    Jealousy and envy are so hard to deal with while going through IF. I don't know what the cure is because I'm still insanely jealous of my SIL (little brother's wife) who is due in 2 months with the 1st grandchild on my side of the family. It's so hard not to play the comparison game when someone announces a pregnancy.

    I've been drooling over those pumpkin spice lattes as well. They are always a treat in my fall diet each year. I'd say go get one today and ask for it with skim milk and half of the sugar pumps!


  2. Hugs. I've been where you are so many times!! You're not alone.

  3. Praying that today is P+17.

    And sending prayers for strength, one way or the other.