Despair or reality?

Where is my hope?  I'm right in the middle of fertile days, and I just don't have hope and don't feel like trying.  I can't help but wonder if this is despair, or if it is reality sinking in?  Is this defeated feeling possibly my soul finally accepting that we will never have a baby?  Or is it sabotage from the evil one?  I just don't know.  All I know is that we have tried and tried.  It has been four years.  I have had surgery after surgery and taken medicine after medicine.  I don't even have the will sometimes to engage in the relations that are necessary to result in a pregnancy.  I wish I could just immaculately conceive, lol.

We have to travel to my company's Christmas party in a couple of weeks.  It is a fancy black tie affair, and I should be excited about the open bar, fancy food, and free room at the Ritz.  But, honestly, I dread it.  I have nothing to talk about.  No kids to brag about.  No pregnant belly to rub.  Nothing going on in my life except trying to have a baby and working.  I certainly don't want to talk about work at a work party.  And, I do not want to spill my guts to all my co-workers about everything I am going through.  But, seriously, what else is there?  It consumes me.  

I heard yesterday of yet another sister in law who is pregnant . . . again . . .  And, she is already three and a half months pregnant and did not know it the whole time.  Come on!  How I would love to just, oops!  discover that I am 3 months along and didn't have to worry about every single moment of that first trimester.  

This month marks the fourth and I assume final month of clomid, as there are no refills left on the bottle.  I did not want to take clomid in the first place because I took 3 cycles of it about two years ago and I read somewhere that clomid increases the risk of ovarian cancer.  If this cycle does not work, I wonder what is next. 

So, despair or reality?  How do I know?  All I can do is continue to do what the doctor says and to pray, right?  I guess the option is always there to just give up, but I can't.  I cannot imagine how depressed I would be if I just gave up.  Actually, yes I can, and I do not want to go there.   

Coffee Alternative

I went on down to the hippie store today and found a coffee alternative, Tee.cci.no, which is caffeine free.  It is made of carob, barley, chicory, dates almonds, hazelnut flavor, dates, and figs.  I am giving it a try this morning.  I use a french press, which if anyone is not familiar, it's a glass beaker that you pour hot water and coffee grounds in, let it steep for four minutes, and then push down the strainer and pour a delicious cup of coffee.  So, I first tried the Tee.cci.no this morning following their directions, and it was watery.  So, I poured that out and tried my standard 2 rounded tablespoons to 8 oz. of water, and this cup is better.  It is not coffee, though.  Hopefully, I will acquire a taste for it.  I struggled with what flavor to get.  They had a regular flavor, but it was a "mild roast."  I like french roasts and espresso roasts, the bold stuff.  This hazelnut flavor is a medium roast, but I'm not crazy about flavorings in my coffee.  If anyone knows of a similar product that tastes like french roast coffee, let me know please!

Great. (said sarcastically)

Y'all!  Now I'm freaking out about not knowing if I have an ovulatory dysfunction.  And stressed out that Dr. H's office is saying the "most information" would come from having an ultrasound series done there in Omaha, but I do not want to shell out more money for a hotel stay for a week or so for a 20 minute appointment every other day, and I don't want to be away from my husband for that long.  Several people commented about possibly having the series done locally and having the dvd sent to Dr. H.  I have e-mailed them to see if they are ok with that.  I mean, can't he give detailed orders on what to look for?  And, what is the treatment for it if I have it?  I would assume the clomid and hcg would take care of it, but who knows.  

I hate feeling stressed like this.  And I think my husband is just about tired of all this stuff.  It's been four years.  I was talking to him last night about what I read on the internet about LUFS and was telling him I was worried about whether I had it.  And he said, "who knows?" in an exasperated tone.  I think he feels like we're just taking shots in the dark.  He was really upset that we were not pregnant this month.  And, I was too.  I think we both assumed that after going through the surgeries in Omaha and taking all these drugs, that things would fall into place and voila, pregnant!  But, no.  

And, while I am on a rant, it really sucks to hear about people who are having their babies wham bam thank you ma'am through IVF.  I know it is immoral and we would never do it, but it just stinks to do things the "right way" and not have it work out, while those who are doing immoral things are "rewarded."  

Sigh.  I also feel stressed about my diet and wondering if I am eating the right things.  There is no definitive source on the anti-inflammatory diet.  I have read things saying that coffee has anti-inflammatory properties, but then Dr. H's office says to stop all caffeine.  Sometimes I just feel like the whole world is off limits and I have to live in a bubble. It sucks seeing my husband enjoy candy and sodas and I'm stuck with my stupid apple and filtered water.  

Oh, and last night I was at Wally World, and got so irritated about the fact that there was a couple in front of me with a pack of condoms in their items they were purchasing.  Really?  Really people?  Here I am trying my hardest, and you people are taking your fertility for granted?  So frustrating!  

Lord, help me get rid of all these feelings and to be hopeful that what we have been doing for the last 5 months will work.  Have mercy on me.  Please grant me peace.   

I won a Liebster award!

Many thanks to Amanda at All in His Perfect Timing, who has bestowed upon me a Liebster award!  Thank you, Amanda!

The Liebster Award spotlights up and coming bloggers with fewer than 200 followers.  In return for the award, the recipient bestows the award on five of their favorite bloggers.  

Here are my winners (sorry about the weird formatting issues.  I copied text from Amanda's blog and can't figure out why there are highlights randomly):

1.  Frustrated Musings of a Seemingly Calm Gal

2.  "Faith makes things possible...not easy."

3.  Joy Beyond the Cross

4.  Hebrews 11:1

5.  Ask and It will Be Given

Upon receipt of the Liebster Blog Award, there are a few very simple rules: 

1. Copy and paste the award on your blog
2. Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you
3. Reveal your top 5 picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.
4. Hope that your followers will spread the love to other bloggers.

Ultrasound series?

Back when I had my first trip to Omaha, we ended up not being able to do the ultrasound series that Dr. H typically does because my cycle fell at the wrong time.  I asked during this cycle review if he thinks it would be a good idea to do that now since we were not able to do it previously.  A fellow did my cycle review because Dr. H was out, and he said yes, it would be a good idea.  I just don't know whether I should or not.  I would have to go to Omaha again and stay for like a week.  I bet my husband would not be able to go with me this time because he has taken so much time off already with my surgeries in May.  I would not want to be away from him during fertile times.  I don't feel like I have an ovulation problem.  And, if there is some kind of ovulation defect, isn't that being taken care of by the clomid, hcg, and progesterone?  

Has anyone else ever been in this situation, where you've already had your surgery and are months into the medication treatment, and you go back for the ultrasound series?  If so, was it helpful?

:(

CD1 strikes again.  Depressed as usual.  P+7 blood work was stellar as usual.  Progesterone: 78.1 estradiol: 25.1.  What a shame to waste such good numbers.  Oh, and I made the mistake of asking Dr. H if the one cup of coffee I have every day really makes a difference, and he said yes, I need to give it up.  Gosh!  IF controls every freaking aspect of my life, and I can't even enjoy a simple cup of coffee.  

Not much else to say.  Please pray that I get out of this funk.  

"In Time" and Yet Another "Cross" of IF: The Wardrobe

My husband and I went to see "In Time" last night.  It was an interesting movie.  The concept is that in the future, people are genetically engineered to only age up to 25, and then a clock built into their bodies starts clicking down, and when it hits zero, you die.  The clock starts with one year, and you have to work to earn more time.  You buy things with your time.  For example, a cup of coffee is 4 minutes, a bus ride is 2 hours.  The "poor" people live in the ghetto time zone and are rushing around every day trying to earn more time so they don't expire.  Then, there are "rich" people who have centuries on their clocks.  

Anyway, as usual, I somehow found a way to tie this to my IF.  I left the movie thinking about how at the end of the cycle, I feel like one of the "poor" people who is trying to add time to their clock.  I beg and plead and pray that AF does not arrive.  As CD1 approaches, I see the "time" clicking off of my clock until  there is no denying that AF has arrived.  I can also see it relating to our "biological clocks" in that as every cycle goes by, that clock keeps ticking down, and I lose another chance that I will never get back.  That's another egg wasted.  And, as every year goes by, that's another year closer to menopause.  Agh! I hate time!

Another "cross" of infertility is my wardrobe.  Like the rest of my life, my wardrobe is on hold because of IF.  I have clothes that are honesty a little too big for me, but I don't throw them out because maybe one day, I'll be pregnant, and I can wear them then.  I want to buy new clothes, but I always have this thought, "What if you get pregnant, and then you won't be able to wear that?"  Or, "If you buy these skinny clothes, don't you lack faith that you'll find out in 2 weeks that you're pregnant?"  It's a never ending mental battle.  A constant state of limbo.  

I ended up going ahead this weekend and picking up some new jeans and sweaters, finally just throwing caution to the wind.  I guess if I do end up pregnant, I can pack them away and then pull them out after the baby and after all the baby weight is worked off.  That way, at least in the mean time, I can enjoy the one benefit of being IF:  looking super cute and flaunting this skinny arse while I have it.      

Baby Name Stealing

I don't know if any of you have had this problem, but it is really irritating me the longer we go on being IF. Twice in this year, we have had someone in our family freaking steal baby names that we were thinking of.  Yes, yes, I know, we don't even have a baby yet, but come on!  We've been planning for 4 years and we've carefully thought these things out.  And, then, bam, someone has # 3 or 4, and willy nilly nabs our carefully thought of name out of the sky.  Ugh!  And yes, we could still use the name, I guess, if we wanted, but everyone in the family will think of the first kid as the "real" one.  I feel like George from Seinfeld when he thought of "Seven" and his friends stole it.  I know how you feel, George!

Thank you, Jesus for butterfly needles!

After last month's horrific blood draw, I took y'alls advice and asked for a butterfly needle.  I also went early this morning so that I would not risk having a tired phlebotomist who was ready to go home.  This draw was soooooo much better than last month's!  Thank you, fellow bloggers for your advice!  Thank you, Jesus!  And thank you St. Gerard, whose relic was in my pocket during the draw!