Verdict is in

Turns out I have the chronic kind of colitis, ulcerative colitis.  So, the GI doctor is putting me on prednisone and apriso for 6 weeks.  I am also e-mailing a copy of all the test results to Dr. H so that he can put me on LDN in the future.  And, apparently, according to the warnings that came along with the prednisone, it can cause osteoperosis, so out of an abundance of caution, I am going to pick up some type of calcium supplement to prevent that.  Boy, I sure did think I had a lot of freaking pills to take before all this happened.  Now, a whole lot more.  My giant day of the week pill box needs to be even bigger now!  Sigh.

I checked out the diet info on the Crohn's and Colitis Foundation web page, and they say there is no particular diet and that you should eat a well balanced diet.  So, I am going to stick to my anti-inflammatory plan and keep a food journal to see if anything causes issues.

This is all so much to take in that I just feel like sitting down and having a big ol cry.  

I tried that piyo class this morning (stress reduction is supposed to be important with this condition, and hey, I need it on the IF front too).  That class was the furthest thing from relaxing.  My experience with both pilates and yoga has been that they are calm, soothing, slow paced, deep breathing classes.  Well, this one wasn't.  First of all, the instructor came in all upset and griping for 10 minutes about how the dog grooming lady was late and she had to leave her dogs with a stranger.  Sorry for her, but she shouldn't be bringing that all up in the class.  Then, the class itself was so not pilates or yoga.  I mean, it had the poses in there, but to upbeat, fastpaced, club type music, and the poses were at warp speed.  It was almost like trying to make it a cardio class.  I was so disappointed.  The only other yoga class they offer is a 5:15 in the morning, and that is too ridiculously early for me.  So, it looks like I'll just stick with Zumba. 

That's all for now.  I just need to wrap my head around this diagnosis.  I think I will go ahead and have that cry just to get it out of my system. 

Update on what's going on

Thank you to everyone who prayed for me this afternoon.  Man, two IV's within 5 days is no fun!  How many tears I have shed.  :(  And, in case anyone is wondering, barium is disgusting.  

I am so glad that the scan is over.  This was a stressful afternoon.  I hope to hear from the doctor tomorrow letting me know what the scan showed.    

I am also waiting to hear what the biopsies showed.  According to my primary care doctor, and Sue from Dr. H's office, there are two kinds of co.litis: one that is caused by an infection and just goes away, and the other that is caused by an autoimmune issue and is chronic.  The biopsies are supposed to tell us what kind I have.  I am hoping just an infection.  

I love PPVI!  Sue from Dr. H's office called me on Friday.  She said that Dr. H did not think this was a problem fertility wise, and that I should follow the medications that the GI doctor gives.  I mentioned to her that I read about low dose naltrexone on the internet, and she said that might be something Dr. H would consider prescribing for me.  She also suggested an anti-inflammatory diet (which I'm already doing) and stress reduction.  And, she said I should ask the GI doctor if he is ok with me continuing the Biaxin on CD 1-10 in future cycles.  (I read somewhere on the internet about antibiotic usage being linked to co.litis).  

As for stress, I decided I'm going to have to carve out time to go to the gym Monday thru Friday.  I went to a Zumba class on Friday and it was a lot of fun.  There is something so freeing about dancing.  So, I am going to make it to a Zumba or piyo (combination of pilates and yoga) class every day, which means I will have to put work aside in the middle of the day.  The classes I want are around 9 in the morning, which is prime working time, but oh well.  I just have to bite the bullet on that and not care if people are trying to get ahold of me.  Apparently, stress is literally affecting my body physically, so I need to try and do something about it.  

I am feeling better physically over the last couple of days, so I am hoping the problem is infection related and is going away.  I received the annointing of the sick last Tuesday, so I bet that has something to do with it!  Also, Sue said they were putting me on their prayer list.  How awesome is PPVI?!

I also learned after talking with my mom this past weekend that my aunt had co.litis once and, according to my melodramatic doomsday mother, almost had to have a colostomy bag.  (Again, evidence of how I cannot talk to my mother about what is going on with me because she always brings up the worst case scenarios).  So, I called my aunt, and she said she had a bad case of it, was admitted to the hospital for 10 days, and then never had a problem with it again.  She did not have to change her diet or remain on any medications.  That must mean she had an infection related case.  

Sue also called back again this morning and said Dr. H said he would probably put me on the low dose naltrexone, but they need to see what the biopsies say.  I love that I have a doctor that is not only looking at my female problems, but my whole body.  What a wonderful doctor Dr. H is.  God bless him and his wonderful staff!  

Also, God bless Jelly Belly who gave me encouraging words and shared her experience with this problem, and Perfect Power in Weakness who has been so kind to me in e-mails.  Big hugs to you guys.  

Nervous

I so hate hospitals.  I just checked in to start the barium drinking.  They haven't given it to me yet, but I am so dang anxious I feel like I could cry.  Will you all please say a little prayer for me?  Thanks in advance!  I'll post later with updates.

Diagnosis What?

I made it through the procedure this morning.  First, the funnies.  They had me put on a pair of paper shorts with a flap in the back that were called "moon pants."  Oh my gosh, laughed my arse off right there.  Then, my husband had his i.pad in there with a fart app and kept making noises with that.  We were laughing so loud I was afraid we were going to get kicked out of there.  

Now, the not so funnies.  For one thing, every IV I have ever had, the person giving it to me put some kind of numbing medication on before they jabbed a needle in my arm.  Not at this place.  They looked at me like I had two heads when I asked if they were going to use the numbing medicine first.  They didn't even have that kid of medicine.  I started bawling and freaking out.  I made it, through, thanks to Mary, you know I was praying so hard to her.  But, I tell you what, I will not have a baby in that hospital if they don't numb arms before putting IVs in.  What are we in, the Middle Ages?!

Also, not so funny, apparently I have co.li.tis.  What?  How did I get that?  The GI doctor says there is no known cause.  He says it's not a celiacs thing or a food allergy and diet doesn't make a difference.  He says it is an autoimmune disorder.  How in the heck do you just develop something like that out of the blue?  And, I have go.og.led, and this condition can be caused by an infection, which my primary care doctor thought I had because of the white blood cells in the sample, which is why he prescribed the antibiotic.  I'm going crazy here.  I don't want another problem to deal with for the rest of my life.  He wants to put me on prednisone and two other things I can't remember right now. One is supposed to be long term and the other two are for like 6 weeks.  Oh, and I am having a CT scan on Monday.  So, yeah, yum, yum, got to drink some contrast.  I hate that stuff.  

Again, what?  I feel so blindsided.  Has anyone reading this ever been diagnosed with this condition? I hope it has no effect on fertility.  Good Lord. I don't need another problem.  If this is an autoimmune disease, does that mean my whole body has an autoimmune issue?  Could that be another reason why I'm not having babies?  Does my uterus attack tiny embryos?  Somebody help me here!  I'm going to go.ogle myself to death. 

Jello for Breakfast

Well, turns out I will have to have the dreaded col.on.os.co.py.  I am so anxious and stressed about it that I had knots in my stomach yesterday and was panicking and crying. So, I had my primary care doctor call in a prescription for kl.on.o.pin for me.  Thank goodness he is so nice.  He even called to see if I wanted to talk about it.  I'm glad to have the RX.  Last night was the first night in the last several days that I slept well.  No tossing and turning.  No waking up at all. 

Now, for the reason for the title of this post.  As part of the dreaded procedure, I have to have a total liquid diet all day today.  Fortunately, they include jello as a liquid.  Go figure.  The only restriction is that you can't have anything red or purple.  So, this morning, I am "enjoying" a "delicious" little plastic cup of green jello.  I splurged and skipped the low calorie one and went for the package with the kid-friendly cartoon characters on it.  I will also be choking down plain chicken or beef broth during the day.  And I will be drinking clear gatorade, ginger ale, and water.  What a smorgasbord!  not.  Anyways, ladies, I am offering all of this up for you.  

I will also be offering up the totally disgusting "prep" that I have to drink tonight.  You wouldn't believe how expensive this disgusting stuff is.  I had to pay $50 out of pocket for what is essentially, salt water.  So, with every disgusting sip of this concoction that will do horrendous things to my innards, I will be praying for babies for you all.  

To top it all off, I will be offering up the procedure itself.  I hate, hate, hate, and dread, dread, dread IV's.  I am anxious just thinking about a nurse coming at me with that "kit."  And, I get super sick from anesthesia.  And, I certainly don't want to be violated in the way I will Thursday morning.  

With every step of this process, I will be offering up these crosses for you ladies.  Lord, bring on the babies!  Wouldn't that just be hilarious, though?  A col.on.os.co.py as an IF cure?  ha ha ha 

S**t my mother says

I love my mom, and I really wish I had her here taking care of me while I continue to be sick.  (by the way, the antibiotics are not working, and I'm waiting to hear back from my doctor on what he wants to do).  But, I swear sometimes she makes me so irritated.  I called her over the weekend to let her know how sick I was feeling and that I wished she was with me.  I was also telling her that I had given up on eating well while I don't feel good and was eating whatever I wanted to try not to be nauseous.  Then she started to basically go off on my IF treatment.  She is "pissed" and thinks that Dr. H just keeps finding other things wrong and that I am stressed out by everything I have to do and eat and that all I need to do is "relax" and get back to living and have some bl.ue.bell ice cream and casseroles and blah, blah, blah.   Oh my gosh.  If I hear her tell me one more time that I need to relax, I am going to lose it.  Or that I am on "such a restricted diet."  I should have told her what I felt, which is that she stresses me out, not my treatments or my diet.  Instead, I just said, if you had cancer, you wouldn't just relax and hope it goes away.  If you have a disease, like I do, you treat it.  And, of course the doctor finds things wrong.  That is why you go to him.  Good grief.  

I swear.  I want to scream at her.  Relax?  Relax?  That is the stupidest thing you can say.  And insensitive.  Like this IF is all in my head.  Clearly, it is not.  There are identifiable issues that are being treated.  And, telling me to relax is not going to cause me to relax.  It just irritates me.  

Oh, and she is always so negative about the endometriosis.  Always so certain that you just can't treat it and that hysterectomy is the ultimate outcome.  Any time I complain of anything, she tries to link it to endometriosis.  Give me a break.  First of all, the endometriosis was not bad.  I had more of an issue with scar tissue.  Endometriosis was a little bit in random places.  Second of all, negativity is not what a mother should be giving her daughter.  

I know she doesn't understand.  I know her experience is that people just get pregnant and things "just shouldn't be that hard."  But, she needs to realize that times are different and nowadays not everyone just gets pregnant.  And old southern ways of eating are not necessarily healthy.  

Going through napro is tiring.  It does take patience and persistence.  I get discouraged from time to time.  I wish I could just "relax" and stop taking meds and watching what I eat and just miraculously get pregnant.  I want to live a normal life again.  But, I realize that chances are that doing nothing is not going to help.  Instead, thank God Dr. H is out there and that there are treatments that are in-line with my faith.  I have to do my part if I expect God to help me.  So, along that path, instead of saying uninformed things, I wish my mom would just be supportive and give me a pep talk from time to time and encourage me to stick with it.    

Open my . . . .

Oh man.  I just about cracked myself up in Mass today.  The communion hymn was "Open My Eyes."  I'm sure you all know it.  It starts out with "Open my eyes Lord, help me to see your face; open my eyes Lord, help me to see."  And it goes through all kinds of body parts, "Open my ears Lord . . ."  "Open my arms Lord . . ." etc.  Well, being the IF person that I am, I thought, and sang in my head, "Open my tubes Lord, help me conceive a babe; open my tubes Lord, help me conceive;  Open my womb, Lord, help me conceive a babe, open my womb, Lord, help me conceive."  Hee hee.    

Misery

I feel awful.  I think the antibiotics are just compounding the issues.  Yesterday, I was in tears because I am just slightly nauseous all the time, and that makes me want my mom, who is 6 hours away.  And it makes me want to just throw out the anti-inflammatory diet and eat all the things that I loved when I was a kid.  So, I went ahead last night and had myself some so bad for me pizza with pepperoni and sausage.  And, I picked myself up some ginger ale and sn.ack.wells de.vil's food cookies.  I loved those things when I was younger, and they still taste good.  I am feeling less nauseous today, so maybe I should give myself some slack and eat fatty and processed food just while I'm on medications that are making me feel icky.  I don't think fish, meatless meals, and soups are doing the trick.

Good thing we picked up pizza last night anyway, because last night was our night to bring dinner to the sister in law who just had her fifth baby.  I think I posted the other day that it was her fourth.  Thing is, these people have so many freaking babies that I lose track.  I did a double take last night when I saw there were 4 little boys watching a movie.  I completely forgot about one of them.  Gosh!  

This time she finally had a little girl, and she is so darn cute that I just wanted to steal her and run.  Seeing that baby just churned up all of my "want a baby" feelings even more than they usually are.  

So, anyway, after cooking for someone else, I didn't have the energy or desire to start whipping something else up for us.  I love to cook, but I have been doing a lot of that this week, and I did not have the energy to clean up from one meal and start making a mess for a new one.  

This morning has been awful, too.  I hate being sick.  I am still in my pj's and don't know when I will decide to get out.  Thank the Good Lord for heating pads.  One on my tummy is making things a little better.  

I know this post has been random.  I just wanted to share my misery with someone.    

One Totally Messed Up Cycle (warning TMI)

CD1 is here, and I'm kind of glad this one is over.  It was a mess.  I don't know what is going on with my body.  This cycle, Dr. H had wanted me to not take the Clo.mid, but continue everything else.  Well, I did that, but forgot about the Bi.axin, so my husband and I didn't take that this cycle.  Things seemed to be going pretty normal until peak +2, when I had red spotting for 3 days.  That stopped once I started the hcg injections and progesterone suppositories.  I don't know if it was a progesterone issue or something else.  We will see what Dr. H says.  

Maybe it was a good thing I didn't have the Bi.axin on CD1-10 because I have been on some strong antibiotics the past couple of weeks.  Warning TMI, but I started having bloody poo and bloody diarrhea from around Christmas and continuing today.  Turns out, I have some kind of GI infection.  So, I was on ci.pro for a week.  It started to get better towards the end of that prescription, but the problem got back into full swing once the prescription was over.  So, I was started on fla.gyl earlier this week.  I think this is a super strong antibiotic, because they warned me not to even drink cough syrup or I will get violently sick.  So, no wine for me for the next 2 weeks!  What am I going to do?!  

I hope these antibiotics clear the problem up.  If they don't, my doctor says they are going to have to do a co.lo.nos.copy.  No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Never!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, with all this mess going on, I'm not surprised that we did not get pregnant this cycle.  That did not stop me from getting depressed over the las few days, though.  One sister in law had her 4th child last weekend, and the bellies of the other sisters in law who are pregnant are really showing.  It's just depressing to be getting left further and further behind.  I also feel so freaking old.  33!  I look back at when we were married and think how I was only 28 and so certain I would be pregnant in one month.  Sigh.  It's been hard being at mass the last couple of weeks.  I wish they didn't have to place a basket up front for all the kids to run up and put their little dollars in.  I swear!  Do I have to have other peoples' kids rubbed in my face?!  It's also hard to always hear the petitions being read for pregnant women, the unborn, parents, etc.  Can I get a prayer for the barren, please?  Can I not be the forgotten?

Oh, and there has just been so much in the news, radio, and tv that has irritated me.  Stories of people who had two ab.ort.ions when they were young, and they feel sorry about it, and now have two children.  People doing I.V.F. and having babies.  Sa.me s.ex couples getting donor sp.erm and having babies.  I know the Lord showers his gifts on all regardless of the wrongs they commit because he is so loving, but it sure feels like I'm getting the short end of the stick while trying to abide by His rules.  

Lord, please deliver me from these feelings and this infertility.  Have mercy on me.

Hallelujah!! (hopefully)

Dr. H told me after my surgery in May that I should eat an anti-inflammatory diet.  So, I bought a book and read all about it and have been trying to eat according to the diet.  But, it is so hard to think ahead and plan meals that will meet the dietary requirements.  I tried e-m.eal.z for about six months.  At first, I tried the vegetarian diet, but it included a ton of dairy in the recipes, so I switched to the low fat, but it did not include enough veggies, so I tried the low carb, and it had way too much meat.  Just today, I found a new website that I am hoping will work.  I signed up, and it is more expensive than e-m.eal.z, but I think it will definitely be worth it.  It's myfoodmyhealth.com, and according to the website, all the meals are planned by nutritionists and chefs.  They can accommodate a lot of different health conditions.  I e-mailed them to see which of their plans would most approximate an anti-inflammatory diet, and they said either the eczema or psoriasis one because those plans exclude dairy and red meat, but all the plans are whole foods based.  

So, I just signed up and created my profile and have some very healthy meals lined up for next week.  In the process of creating the profile, I was able to check off ingredients that I hate (like sardines) and things I know I shouldn't eat (like sugar).  They say that they will automatically exclude those items from all my recipes.  I'm so excited that someone is doing the mental work for me! It even comes with weekly shopping lists.  Yeah!  It will also plan breakfast and lunch, but I removed those from the plan and will just do dinner, which will leave leftovers that can be eaten for lunch.  Plus, breakfast for me is usually fresh juice from my juicing machine and a handful of almonds.

So, this week's dinners will be chicken sausage with tomato herb sauce over whole wheat linguine, salmon with balsamic reduction, something called mujadarah (which appears to just be a lentil dish with veggies), roasted vegetable and lentil stew, butternut squash/sweet potato soup, white bean chili with pine nuts, and halibut with mango salsa.

I know my husband is going to gripe.  He is such a kid when it comes to eating.  The man loves, loves, loves, sugar and thinks he has to have meat at every meal.  Maybe I'll throw some chicken or sausage into his servings to keep him quiet. 

Anywhoo, I am very excited about this!  I'l keep you posted on how it works out!

I'm back, I guess, oh, and I'm another year older

It's been so long since I blogged, and there is not much to blog about infertility wise.  Still infertile and still plugging along with all the treatments.  

In other news, Happy New Year to all.  I feel pretty indifferent about the New Year myself.  My husband keeps wanting "us" to put together a list of the things "we" want to accomplish this year.  I keep thinking, well, nothing really.  Not that I've ever been a resolution maker, but I think my process of putting all my desires and worries and dreams on the altar and just handing them over to the Lord may be working.  I just want to roll with whatever happens.  I don't have any big things I resolve to do our want to accomplish.  But, p.s., Lord, I would really like to have a baby, please!  Having a baby, though, is not really a thing to put on a "to do" list, as I have learned after 4 years of trying.  

I do feel pretty mellow, though.  I hope this feeling lasts.  Hopefully it's not just the byproduct of having taken the whole last week off!  Man, that was so nice!  I love just living my life and not having to get up at a certain time and bill hours all day.  

We did Christmas Eve here with my husband's family and then drove to Shreveport, Louisiana Christmas morning.  Normally, we would spend the entire Christmas here and then go to Louisiana later in the week.  (My husband always gets that week off since he works in a family business, and so I always just take that week off and we do some traveling).  The next morning, Monday the 26th, we  drove down to New Orleans with my mom, her husband, my niece, and my grandmother, and watched the Saints game. That was so fun!  The Saints won, of course!  It was exhilarating to be a part of that crowd, all chanting, "Who dat!  Who dat!  Who dat say they gonna beat dem Saints!"  You would not believe how loud it was.  My husband joked that he thought the bolts were going to come out of the stadium. 

The next day, my husband and I stayed in New Orleans and the rest of them drove back to Shreveport.  We met up with my stepbrother and his girlfriend who had come down also from Shreveport.  We did some window shopping and had some lunch, and then we all went to a fancy dinner at Dickie Brennan's steakhouse and saw some live jazz at some club.  

Then, the next day we came back up to Shreveport and spent the next few days hanging out with my family.  I turned 33 on the 29th, and it was low key.  My mom and I had lunch and did some shopping, and then all of us went out to dinner that night.  The next night, my husband and I went over to my dad's and had dinner with him and his wife, my aunt and uncle, and my grandparents from that side.  Then, on New Year's Eve, we drove back home, ate pizza, watched a movie, popped some fireworks, and went to bed.  We wanted to get back early so that we would have a day to get re-organized before Monday hit.

Well, Monday was yesterday and lo and behold, the whole world took Monday as a holiday.  My husband and all of his brothers went to work, but none of their customers were open, so they really could not do anything except go through e-mails.  I work from home, so I did a little working, and more cleaning.  

Today, it's back to the real world.  And real it is.  The credit card bills have been coming in, and that is scary.  I have been thinking though that my mom once said "just get yourself in debt real good, and then you'll get pregnant."  Ha ha.  I wish.  I'm not going to test the theory out, though.  I just paid off my car, hallelujah!  And, the student loans are whittling down.  I normally have no credit card balance, but we may have one from December, as I was ringing it up and not working much.  Back to that grindstone!

But, I am determined not to let that grindstone stress me out.  I pray that the Good Lord just sends me enough work to get the bills paid and that it is work that is not stress inducing.  I'd like to keep the mellow feeling!  I guess that could be my new year's resolution: be mellow.