Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Wit's end

I am just about at wit's end with my husband, his diverticulitis, and constant random complaints of "stomach pain."  Ever since he had a very mainstream, pro-surgery gastro tell him to just go ahead and have part of his colon removed, he is complaining more and more.  That doctor had no respect for diet and even said he would rather have his own colon removed that give up steaks.  Obviously, his advice is not something to act on without getting several other opinions.  

I really feel like my husband is attention seeking and that in his mind, having surgery will get him more attention. Well, I won't stand for it.  Him having surgery will just be further burden on me.  I'm the one who will have to deal with a whiny complainy patient who won't take his medicines and won't exercise.  I am the one who will have to make sure he is eating only what the surgeon says he can have and fight with him when he tries to eat his favorites.  I am the one that will be stuck with the medical bills.  I'm not having it

Having part of your colon removed just so you can eat whatever you want is insane.   Good grief.  How much have I sacrificed because of endo and IF?  Can he not make some small sacrifices for his own health and life?  I have taken us to a naturopath who has done food sensitivity testing and recommended various supplements for us.  I have dutifully ordered everything she suggested and put it all in little pill boxes so that it should be easy for him.  I am constantly finding that when I go to take my supplements, I find that he skipped his.  It is so damn frustrating! And, I happened to get up this morning before he left for work just so I could physically bring his meds to him and watch him take them.  He has one supplement that is a powder that is mixed with water.  I brought that to him with his pills, and he tried to tell me the powder stuff gives him a "stomach ache."  I was about to go through the roof.  But, I calmly as I could explained to him that nothing in there could cause him a "stomach ache" and that everything in it is designed to sooth his intestinal issues.  So, he takes it, and tells me to take note of the fact that he took it, as if he is going to have himself a little "stomach ache" later today and "show me" that he can't take the stuff.  So, I noted to him to take note that he also had a cup of coffee this morning, and coffee is a food that he is sensitive to. So, there. 

Y'all.  I am so tired of all this that I sometimes think of just leaving.  I even put together a healthy breakfast for him.  A banana and a slice of double fiber bread with natural PB and simply fruit jam with added fiber.  He takes the freaking toast and leaves the banana.  Aaargh!!!!!  Like he can't possibly eat the banana because he'll be so full from the toast.  Whatever.  He probably is going to eat donuts at work.  

I even bought him soy milk because he is not supposed to have dairy (severe reaction to whey).  Has he tried it?  Nope!  I have even tried it and it tasted good and I reported that to him, but he still stubbornly refuses to try it.  I was going to put it in his coffee this morning, but he came into the kitchen before I could do so.  Dang it!

I am tired of having to mother him, but the alternative is let him do whatever he wants and ultimately he goes in for a major surgery to remove part of his colon. And who pays for that, both emotionally, physically, and financially?  Me!  He will be even worse to deal with after having surgery. This is a man who blows every little ache and pain out of proportion.  Can you imagine what he would be like after surgery?  

So, any advice?  I'm tired of this.  And, this is a time when I should be happily preparing for baby and taking care of myself and the baby.  


  1. Wow this does sound insanely frustrating. Choosing surgery over diet change sounds like a bad idea to me. I hate how often women are expected to mother their husbands, by society and by men themselves! I don't have any real advice for you, just sympathy :) Hope your husband realizes he needs to take care of himself.

  2. Hi, I've been a lurker for a little while, but I saw this post and wanted to talk to you. I have been where you are. My husband's issues were not with food, but they caused a lot of grief and heartache. I was constantly running around buying supplements and making sure he took them, making sure his alarm clock was set every night and that he got out of bed every morning. I could not trust him to accomplish a single responsibility without multiple reminders. Finally, one last straw sent us into counseling with a wonderful therapist. After telling my husband he had the emotional maturity of a young teenager, she informed me that I was not allowed to do anything for him anymore. I thought I was helping him, but I was just enabling him. That was really hard to hear, and it was scary. Several of my husband's problems could have easily gotten him fired at work, and I felt like I was the only one keeping that from happening. I (mostly) did it though, and it was surprisingly freeing. Every time he did something stupid, I just had to chant "It's not my responsibility" repeatedly in my head. So if I may offer you some advice (and since you don't know me, feel free to tell me to stuff it back down my piehole), I would say, ignore him. Don't bring him his medication. Don't schedule doctor's appts. Don't monitor his food. And when he complains, just smile and "That's too bad." Even if your brain is screaming into a pillow. Because if he doesn't crash and burn on his own, he will never, ever turn around and you will spend the rest of your life this way. Please don't think I say this while I think "I have the solution, and if only everybody did as I did, it would all be okay." I wanted to come up with a nice conclusion, but my preschooler is trying to force feed dry oatmeal to my infant, so I should probably take care of that. Congratulations on your tiny one!

  3. I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time. I agree with Arliss. She's given great advice. With my own husband, the more time I spent rescuing him from whatever problem, I was just sending him a signal that no matter what he does, I'll fix it. And that doesn't force anybody to take responsibility for their own choices. To let them alone is painful, it's a struggle, but it's necessary. You still love him, you still care but he won't learn if you mother him. Prayers and blessings!!!

  4. I can understand how frustrating that is! My husband and I have similar issues, though our situation is somewhat different. I feel like I have to constantly mother him, too. Sometimes I think about counseling, too. I'll warn you about this--it's gotten worse since our baby was born. We fight more about it since I have less time to do everything for him (not that that was a good solution, either). I think Arliss's advice is good...maybe I will give it a try also. I'll keep you in my prayers!

  5. No advice, just prayers for you! (It does sound like you've been given some good advice already though).

  6. Counseling can be great, if he's open to it. Sometimes hearing stuff from a neutral third party makes it sink in. I know it's helped me.

  7. Wow. Gotta love our hubbies. LOL Sometimes. :-)
    My DH is also WAYYY lax about eating right and especially about taking his vitamins. When you mentioned the little pill boxes and counting them out for him so he knows exactly what to take and set them right by his bed for AM and by the computer for PM and he never takes them ... I mentally thought "ahhhhhh, yep, there's another DH out there!"
    My DH is also whiny when he's sick, which I swear is all the time. He also says that some of the pills I take make him belch up a bad aftertaste later on. Yada, yada, yada. He picks out the healthy foods in the meals I cook.
    I will agree with Hebrews, after the baby, it gets worse, as you will feel like you have both your DH and the baby to take care of. There will be an adjustment period of a few months where you feel like you have a lot of fights. But he just needs to learn to help you out. I think some of your frustration must be just being stressed out and worrying about how to get all of your stuff done AND your DH's stuff done ... and with the new baby ... it just compounds it.
    I like the suggestion of a counselor, but it comes down to time and money, so I agree with the other ladies that Arliss' suggestion is good ... let him do it himself. If that doesn't work, try the counselor. I'm not sure my situation is anywhere near as dire as yours is, but know that I'll be praying for you!

    1. Sorry ... proofreading didn't happen ... I meant to say "I set my DH's pillboxes by the bed and his computer ... made me think of what you described. :-)

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