Today has been bittersweet. My sister in law that I am the closest to gave birth to her third child this morning. I am so happy for her and my brother in law, but at the same time, it causes me such sadness. Last night, when she called to say that she was in early labor and asked if I would pick her mom up at the airport today, of course I said yes, but when I got off the phone I was so sad. I wished it was us going into labor. I wish it was us having such excitement. I can't imagine how wonderful it is. It must be like going to Disneyland.
Then, today, of course I cried a few times. Felt sorry for myself. Felt pathetic that I had to go pick up her mother and put myself to service for someone so fertile. That cross was especially heavy today. I tried as best I could to offer it up for all you fellow IFers.
I hope I feel better tomorrow, but now I still feel sad. I just got back from dropping off her mother's luggage at her house. My cute little innocent niece was crying because her brother hit her, so I picked her up to console her. Then, she asks me, "Are you having a baby?" "No," I said. "Did you just have a baby?", she asked. "No," I said. "Why are those sticking out then?, she says. "What are you talking about?", I asked, thinking she was talking about my scapular and miraculous medal. "Those," she said, pointing at my boobs. I about died. My brother in law was sitting there trying not to laugh. I just said, "Well, I've always had those, and all grownup ladies have those." "Oh," she said.
While that was funny, and it did make me laugh, it also magnified the total barrenness of my womb and my complete failure over the last 4 years. Kids say the darndest things, huh?