Despair

Yesterday was awful.  I don't know if it's the clomid, or the stress of my job over the last week, or a combination of both.  This week has been so hard at work.  They are prepping for a trial that starts in October, and they have done a horrible job of planning, so there are tons of things to be done, lots of briefs to be written, and they keep basically putting it all on my plate.  I normally can only handle about 5 hours of work per day and then I get irritable.  Over the last week, I have been working from early in the morning, skipping a shower, eating crappy food as quickly as I can, and working until 7 at night.  Yesterday, I just broke down in a hysterical crying fit, bawling as I typed along, scarfing down chocolate hoping it would combat the cortisol that no doubt was raging through my body.  There was a deadline to get some things filed with the court at 1 yesterday, and I got an e-mail from one of the partners yesterday morning telling me to call him when I finished up with that project so we could discuss the 20+ motions they need to draft and file by next Thursday.  That just put me over the edge.  After I e-mailed them my portion of the project that was due to be filed yesterday, I said to myself F**ck 'em.  I'm not answering my phone, I'm not returning e-mails.  I called him and left a vm saying I was about to head out for a trip for the weekend, I can give you 5 hours monday thru wednesday of next week and then I'll be out for Thursday and Friday for my anniversary, we're going on a trip.

Then I started googling what I could do instead of being a lawyer.  That reminded me that I had saved a link to this legal writing institute web page where they list professor positions that are available. There is one open at Seattle University, which was exciting.  For some reason, even though I've never been there, I've thought for several years I would like living there.  So, I e-mailed my husband and kind of half-seriously asked if he would move, and if so, I would apply for that job.

Then, I went to my consultation with the acupuncturist, which was supposed to just be a consultation, and she was like, "you need acupuncture, like immediately."  So, I had my first acupuncture experience yesterday.  I was super nervous about the needles, I know my heart was racing when she put the first ones in.  There was one right between my eyes, one in my right wrist, one on the top of each foot, one coming out of the top of my head, one on my inside left ankle, one on the inside of my left calf, one on my lower abdomen, and one further up the abdomen like right underneath where the bra line is.  Then she left the room, and I laid there listening to chinese music, wondering what am I doing, is this crazy?  After a while, I guess it started working, because I started to get the giggles.  It was the funniest thing.  There wasn't anything in particular that I was thinking of that made me giggle, but I just felt giggly.  After about half an hour, it was time to take the needles out.  I felt better.  More relaxed.

Then I headed home and waited for my husband to get back from fishing.  It was late by the time he got home and unsuccessfully attempted to fillet a bass.  So, we went to taco bell for bean burritos, and ended up in a fight in taco bell.  I brought up the Seattle thing, and he just flatly rejected the idea without any consideration.  That irritated me.  He knows how much my job stresses me out, and I've talked about moving for a while, teaching legal writing would be fun, and we're young, so why should he just reject the idea?  We deserve to live our lives.  He wants to always stay here because of his family, and I said he should put me in higher priority than his family.  We could visit during holidays.  His job in the family business does not pay him well and it is not stable.  He could do so much more, so why not just take that leap out there?  I felt like it was a total shock to me that we will never be able to move from here, and I felt like I had been duped or something. Maybe it is the clomid, I don't know, but I felt absolute despair.  He felt like I was saying I didn't want to be married to him.  That was not what I was saying.  I explained that I want the hope and opportunity and chance that we can do something else with our careers if we want to, and the hope of adventure.

We came home and continued talking, and he said maybe we could go on vacation to Seattle sometime and see what it is like.  He acknowledged that he has a problem with change and likes things his way, but he likes that I always come up with new ideas.  (I do have a sort of adventurous, brave side to me.  When I was in high school getting ready to apply to colleges, I felt for some reason I wanted to live in Georgia even though I had never been there, so I went to school in Georgia.  My family was a twelve hour drive away in Louisiana.  It didn't bother me.  I liked adventure.  Then, when I met my husband, it was no problem for me to pick up and move here to Arkansas and marry him.)

Somehow, the conversation turned to the infertility and how hard these four years have been, and how sad I get.  He was saying things that sounded like he just wants to give up; that there is no hope; that he doesn't think it will ever happen.  Those were scary things to hear.  He is usually the one keeping the positive attitude while I am freaking out.  In that conversation, I felt like we were just in the pits of despair.   He caused me to doubt, and I don't want to doubt.  I don't feel in my heart of hearts that we will never have a baby.  I just don't feel like that is how it is going to be.  So, satan, get behind me!  St. Gerard, pray for us!  Padre Pio, pray for us!  St. Gianna, pray for us!  Holy Mary, Mother of God, Pray for us!  Blessed Pope John Paul II, pray for us!  Blessed Mother Teresa, pray for us!  St. Joseph, pray for us!