Hcg injections

I started my hcg injections yesterday.  I am supposed to have them on peak +3, 5, 7 & 9.  I thought I was going to be able to give myself the shots, but after I saw how long a 5/8 in. needle is, I had to wait for my husband to get home and give me the shot.  I still panicked when it came time for the shot even though he was doing it, and not me.  Today, the injection site is sore; it feels like a bruise.  Hopefully it won't be like that every time.  

The cost of these injections is outrageous.  I went to the pharmacy to pick the medication up the other day, and the pharmacist said he couldn't get my insurance to run and the medicine was expensive.  I asked how much, and he said $185.  Wha-what?  He said it used to only cost $47, but the price has gone up since people started using hcg to lose weight.  How unfair!  Anyway, I had to have the medication for this cycle, so I paid for it out of pocket and then called BCBS.   Turns out, they consider hcg a "specialty fertility medication" that has to be ordered through their in-house pharmacy, Caremark.  Fine. Whatever.  I am pretty sure, though, that my doctor did not code this as a fertility issue.  I will deal with that if they try to deny me coverage.

I am glad I am on the hcg shots.  Yesterday, which was peak +3, I was feeling cramping, which felt like it was period type cramps.  I don't know what could have been going on, but it seems like it stopped after the hcg shot.

Oh, how I wish my body could just be "normal."  How I wish my body could just do what it was designed to do.  I often think, Lord, you designed this body, you know how it should work, and you can do miracles, can you please just reach down and touch my belly and everything would be fixed?  Why is it that some people have no problem whatsoever getting pregnant and, in fact, are so fertile that they attack their fertility with contraceptives and abortions?  Can I get a little of that fertility over here?

I have got 12 sisters in law; my husband is from a huge family.  Between those women, there are 62 children.  I mean, it is like these people can just look at each other and get pregnant.  A friend of the family joked once that they have babies like machine guns, rat-a-tat-tat-tat.  I often feel like standing up on a box and screaming, "can everyone just stop having babies until we get to have one?"  I know I shouldn't feel like that, but it is like my own personal purgatory or hell, I don't know which.  I know there is not some magical number of how many children God is going to allow to be born and I am missing out on my chance every time someone else has a baby.

Still, there is such a stark contrast between their super-fertility and my infertility.  I just want to be well.  All of my complaining aside, thank God that there are options out there for Catholic women facing these challenges.  Thank God I found a doctor who is willing to get to the root of what is wrong with me, rather than try to skip over the problem and just get me pregnant through IVF.  I know it will take time to solve every problem, and that as we solve one, another might rear its head, but I just wish there was a magic "make be better" button the doctor could push.

Until then, I need to keep my chin up and march on.  Each of these medications that he prescribes does give me hope that maybe this one will be the key.  I have something to cling onto, hoping that this new thing will work, that there is something I can still do to try to improve things, that all is not lost.